donde esta juan? juan is supposed to be coming over to by my desk from me because tomorrow i am moving from LA to.. well that part is still up in the air but i am indeed leaving socal. im sad because its kinda cool, well really cool here but im really excited to be starting my adventures and stuff. recent development- i'm going to germany in 2 weeks!!!!!!! i cannot wait it will be amazing there is a bar where you pay 1 euro for a cup and then its all you can drink and just tip at the end of the night. how awesome is that. i love it. after the overpriced and overcrowded 90 it will be like paradise, but with germans!

ok so juan just came and bought my desk and he is, in short, a vagface. i told him the desk is $50 after i had already loaded it into his car and disassembled it for his bitch ass. he goes- oh i'll give you forty. no its fifty. oh... well then take it out i can get one for forty. fucker. so i grabbed the forty bucks and peaced the fuck out. what a twat waffle. i hate juan.

moving on, this week i completed finals, finished school and, sadly, finished my internship. i will definitely miss them the most out of school and finals. i mean its not much a competition but hey, take what you can get. the people were so cool and it was way fun. maybe i will return one day like voldemort returned. or like jesus. yeah. im definitely more like jesus.

also today i have fulfilled one of my lifelong dreams of making it onto textsfromlastnight.com after a mere 9 unsuccessful submissions. i also submitted another one this morning after learning that i was featured on the website. the jury is still out about whether or not my 10th submission will make the cut. the one that did make it was (323): forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell (310): my version of bright and sunny.i am 323 and my friend fiona is 310. its not actually our real area codes, but as the exchange says- shitshow with a chance of tbell. i did indeed get tanked and instead of tbell i went to chanos, USC's raunchy late night mexican restaurant. i wanted a carne asada burrito no beans but i think i ordered a carnitas burrito no beans and also ate douty's beef nachos. im counting the hours until the food poisoning hits me.

up until this point, my blog has been a venue for me to express my views on life in LA and people and pass judgement on things that i really have no authority to pass judgement on. From here on out i will be changing things up a bit.well sortof. the judging will still be a major factor in my rants, but it will also chronicle my year of adventures and mishaps that i am planning to have throuhout the world, starting with my roadtrip from LA to WA with sarah mae jennings. we are leaving tomorrow morning and heading north on what we have dubbed the "rayban roadtrip" or "rsquared." a common side affect of hearing the name of our trip is an exponential drop in respect for sarah and/or myself. thats fine. you are just jealous that you arent rockin raybans from here to sucktown, washingon. after that i am going to germany, then atlanta, then the caribbean for 2 months, then montana, then WHO KNOWS. the world is my oyster. yum yum gimme some. i will keep people updated on here and on facebook about my whereabouts and my various misadventures, as i so prophetically named this blog before i had plans to take a year off. i told you i was jesus- i can tell the future via blog. duh.

this week the maxim hot 100 came out. i looked at all 100 entries and approve of most of them, however i did want to kick the writers in the teeth because of their attempts at stupid humor in the blurbs about the chicks. olivia wilde deserves number one. shes daaaaaaaaaamn fine, however my heart still belongs to number 68.

wow.

we're being hunted

in my as-yet unsuccessful attempts to start studying for finals, i have finally made it to the library. of course the first thing that i did was whip out my big black co...mputer so that i could share the fact that god is smiling down upon me as i live and type. you see, i just did a good deed. i was moseying along the road to go to the coffee bean in the new film school (thanks george lucas, you're a pal for donating it) and i was almost there. i could see the circular logo looming in the distance. as i approached said logo i saw a large older woman in a muumuu approaching me on the sidewalk. she was goin along, possibly talking to herself. either way its irrelevant. as she was walking along the perfectly flat, brand new sidewalk all of a sudden, homegirl goes down. im not talking about like oh she stumbled and just kinda caught herself. she got to first base with the pavement in like .7 seconds- absolutely ate shit and landed on her face. the first thing out of her mouth- "GOD BLESS AMERICA!" uuhhh.....ok. i walked up to her, i didnt rush because i was a little put off by the whole debacle, and 2 people were already there, just kinda awkwardly standing and looking at her and not really helping. i mean i felt the same way. so i say "are you ok" and she didnt really answer. me and this girl tried to help her up and then a professor had to come help too, like i said, she was big. the professor took over from there and took care of the poor, patriotic woman, but i think i contributed enough to merit god smiling down upon me in the face of finals... right?

so thats really what i wanted to share, but also after i got my coffee and was making my way to the library i saw a dude who was a dead ringer for the fat guy in Jurassic park who gets eaten by the vicious little spitting dinosaur. such a great movie.

check my mypace and i gotta lot of friend requests.. YES!

last night i went to my very last sorority invite at USC. you see yesterday my leave of absence was approved. it was much easier than i originally thought. i told my adviser that i wanted to take some time off and he tried to be my buddy, giving me life advice and told me about his experiences. my thoughts- listen you balding buttface i just want you to sign the paper, i dont need the reach around with it. ten minutes of me nodding and making little to no effort to act like i care about his advice i was out of that office and taking my first steps towards... well who knows where. before i could get too far though it was time for another pi beta phi invite.

this invite is so wittily dubbed my tie, you see it rhymes with pi phi. last year i went to it as well, but last year the girls listed three potential dates and then the guys would get a call and then they would buy 2 matching ties, give one to their mystery date and keep one and then the couple is gloriously reunited at the venue and identifies each other through their ties. this year there was no surprise. the girl just asked a dude and then buys him a tie. mine said "i love jesus." what remained the same however was that the girls were supposed to leave before the guys and meet each other there. the guys werent supposed to leave until 10. fbomb. so what do we do. jack and coke pong at the ZBT house. we originally started at my apartment but the DG invite, also last night, was having a massive pregame on our patio. fuck that shit. we didnt need tons of dudes coming into our apartment and disturbing our three person party. yes there were three of us. thats it. so after playing a superbad drinking game, beer pong and just standing in a circle being all exclusive and shit we moved on to ZBT. throughout this time i also had a love conversation with hollis and sarah via text about how awesome we are (it took a while because we are really fucking awesome).

i made it to the buses at ten only to find out that the girls are not meeting us a the venue, but at the buses. i arrived at the buses and realized i was not nearly drunk enough for my own good. good news? i was on the first row of the first bus and as soon as we got to the venue me and my lovely date farris were the first to get served. i tried to order four shots of vodka and two vodka sodas but the bartender wouldn't let me. what a twat. so two shots and a long island it is. after that the booze kept flowing and i kept getting drunk and drunkerer. then i start texting. actually i was texting throughout the night. ranging from "we should make iut" to me pouting to my boss because someone said "the only reassin i wa successdul at [work] is becaise i am attracitge and straight but not a hard worker. im perturbed." why the fuck would i choose to say i was perturbed. and why the fuck am i texting it and pouting when i know full well i use my face, which i have dubbed the moneymaker (stole it from a movie), to get people on my side. i dont always like to do that because it makes me feel shallow and manipulative but hey, work with what ya got.

moving on. a couple hours later i am wandering around my apartment in a tshirt and boxer briefs trying to find the water cup that i just filled up, mumbling to myself all the while and laughing at my own witty insights. i find myself highly humorous when i am drunk. ok and when im sober but whatever. judge me. i had the forethought to place 2 bananas next to my bed. and i remember thinking that i should drink like six cups of water, but i was really full so that much water wouldnt fit in my stomach. i probably also came up with some new theories on quantum mechanics when i was drunk, just because i am so smart when im under the influence.

after makin it into bed, room spinning, i went to sleep. what do i dream about? me and my mother were staying at the house of the owner of the PR firm that intern for. i have never been to her house. i have no idea where it is even. also, it had a baller pool and kindof resembled a mexican resort (but no open bar, bummer). at this humble abode of my dreams i was doing environmental volunteer work, like planting trees and stuff like that. the kicker? the only digging or anything that i can recall was covering a bed in dirt and then putting some sheets and stuff on it for someone to sleep on. i do whatever i can to improve the earths sustainability, from recycling and being energy conscious to putting some good ole fashioned terra firma on a bed. good. good.

and now i am sitting on my couch, blogging about my experiences, listening to our dbag stoner neighbors freestyle and jam outside while smoking fat doobies in their swim suits. damn cretins. just kidding. its making me laugh. i should probably go and clean up my trash from mcdonalds this morning. i got an egg mcmuffin with hash browns and a large coffe and a bacon egg and cheese biscuit on the side. for a second i thought i wasnt going to make it in time for breakfast because this woman in front of me stood too far behind the person in front of her and people kept cutting and she would just be like "oh i think i just got aced out of line..." and not do anything. just stand there. grow a spine you see-you-next-tuesday. she finally told one girl to go the back and the girl was such a bitch. a cunt. i m not even going to use the euphemism on her because she was that cunting cunty. i would have said something but her bf probably could have beat me up. im a a little school girl bitch when it comes to fighting. my sister could probably kick my ass. oh well. i've come to terms with that, so should you.

witty title here

oh man oh man. i am watching VH1's daisy of love and let me tell you it is a GEM. definite GEM. i cannot believe this actually gets advertisers to buy airtime. it is disgraceful. the people are the underbelly of america. they are famewhores who try to act like hardcore rappers and of the 20 guys i think maybe five like dudes. sorry daisy. its a risk you take. the rest of them they are absolutely retarded. way retarded. one guy told talked about his PA piercing. PA as in prince albert, not public announcement or physicians assistant. prince. albert. metal through the peen. AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anywho. i wrote that bit last night, but i am back to blogging today. im now watching more television. not nearly as trashy though. i had a little lost sesh earlier awesome. way awesome. actually thats a lie. it might not be as awesome as it once was. first season was prime, now, not so much. oh well.

today was my last day of classes. one final paper and two papers stand between me and the real world. ok the fake real world. tomorrow i am turning in my leave of absence paperwork. AAAHHHh. im freakin out yo. im excited and nervous but overall i cant wait for next year. i have all these goals and ideas for stuff to do but i have no idea what exactly i will do. i should probably start figuring that out. hmm...

last weekend i went to colorado to see my homie stacy church and also mi madre and camden were there too. lil cam got into CSU so she went to check out the school. she got a lil rowdy. well done cam. for dinner on saturday night we went to sushi. we ended up sitting at the bar right up where they made the sushi so the guys kept talking to us through the whole meal. it would have been cool but they were douche magooshes. WTF. if you are making food three feet from people be GD personable. so after we sit down my mother orders a large thing of hot sake. this was after several free cocktails at the hilton club level happy hour. we both partook. it was great. so my mom slides a little sip o sake down to me so that she doesnt get super sloshed on this vat of hot rice wine. i was on one end of our group and my mom was on the other with stacy and camden in between so it wasnt easy to be all sneaky about me drinking underage. after a few minutes our lovely waitress walks up and goes "oh... can i see your id?" OH FML AAHHHH what do i do what do i do what do i do. i freaked out. thinking on my feet i said "ohidonthaveitwithmesorry! my birthday is february 22nd 1988 andim21yearsold." hellloooo verbal diarhea. after looking at me like i was a damn fool the waitresss goes "uuhhh will mom vouch for this" big stacy covey nods with a slightly glazed over look in her eye and returns to her sake big gulp. thinking that was it i go back to my life. then some fucker over the sushi bar quits makin my GD spider roll and decides to interfere. "we cant accept that. we need an id" FFFFFFFFFFFF. stacy (church) quickly says "oh you wanna go get it from the car. here take my keys just run out there." not only am i not 21 but i left my fake id in los angeles. i had to act cool (while turning bright red) and say "oh no worries, its fine, here have mine mom." i watched my sake slide away down the bar, taking my dignity with it. oh well. better luck next time.

other fun facts- got the middle seat on the plane between 2 red neck buddies. stupid fuckers. i wanted to elbow them both in their fat stomachs simultaneously. and they were armrest hogs. i was not pleased. also in the airport i saw 45 year old man. wearing blue jean overalls. oh yeah, and he was probably about 275. with manfupa. ladies, please, try not to salivate over that image too much.

in other news, for some reason yesterday i started reminiscing on "the last of the really great whangdoodles." classic. i recommend everyone read it. asap.

to end my musings for today: get low.

i poke her face

well i should be doing some serious paper writing right now. if you hadnt figured it out, im not. i pretty much finished my PR paper this morning while sitting at coffee bean eating oatmeal and drinking coffee. it was pleasant. a nice day, relatively quiet except for this beat lookin woman yelling at her 2 year old daughter like she was a dog. "COME HERE NOW! STAY! NO SIT DOWN! STAY! YOU ARE GOING TO GET HIT BY A CAR!" i wish i was kidding. so that was a productive endeavor. 3 pages in an hour and a half. i was damn proud of myself. it thats including travel time and the time it took me to get my oatmeal and coffee. the only bad part was that the fuckers upped the parking prices. whereas you used to be able to go in there fo free with validation, today cost me $9.00. i was not happy. then i couldnt figure out how to pay so i held up traffic and buzzed the security gaurd to come help me. turns out i had just dropped my ticket and not realized that it wasnt in the machine. whatever. i just paid them $9 to park. that should come with a blow job or at least some heavy petting. geeze

after a lunch break i went to the library only to see my buddy fiona sitting at a table near my intended destination. after a brief chat about my shirt with a large superman logo on it (that i realized i had been wearing the night before when i saw her a little after our exchange) i settled into my little cube for a long winters nap... or research. however, my research was hindered by the USC Hawaiian Club Luau outside on the quad. WTF. why do you need to have a luau. there were like four people there. bastards. all of them. blasting music. it wasnt even hawaiian music. if it had been izzy singing somewhere over the rainbow i would have been down, but now, it was some alt rock bullshit that permeated the walls of leavey library and disturbed the indians, asians and me dutifully studying on a saturday afternoon. unforgivable.

this weekend is what i like to call a "high stress" weekend. that means that i cope with my stress through food because i used to be fat. old habits die hard. i mean friends are dependable usually when you need them but they just dont have that same ability to comfort like an in'n'out double double with extra crispy fries, or a chipotle burrito bowl with chips, or a bag of chocolate, or even gummy worms. fried food is like an old friend that you dont see very often but every time you do see them you remember just why you love them so much. all your worries and fears disappear. then you get a tad bit gassy from all the grease and remember that fried food is really a stupid bastard and dont hang out for a while. is this making sense? anywho, all i have wanted today is zaxbys. not just one thing. i would get a chicken finger plate, a zaxbys club sandwich, a zaxbys house zalad or maybe black and blue, either way with blue cheese or ranch dressing depending on my mood. all of this of course with extra zaxbys sauce and a fat delicious sweet tea with that good ice from zaxbys thats really easy to eat cuz its soft. oh baby im makin myself drool just thinkin about it.

i should probably get back to my paper pretty soon. last night my roommates girlfriend, who is basically a roommate because she doesnt leave pretty much ever played a remix to lady gaga's poker face called poke her face with kanye, kid cudi and common. its bad ass.

and now, a parting thought

the times, they are a-changin

so i just watched as ashton kutcher became the first twitterer/tweeter/twatter (whatever) with over one million viewers in his race against larry king and CNN. not only did i watch on twitter, but ashton had a live stream set up in his house with his wife and his whole crew there watching the contest happen. what kind of a world do we live in these days that i can watch a celebrity live in their own home as they compete on an essentially pointless form of social media to become more popular? its sort of sick right? some kind of voyeuristic celebrity obsessed culture born in from the clusterfuck of the tabloid media, youtube, perez hilton, and instant gratification. alas, this diatribe against our current state of pop culture affairs is essentially a hypocritical rant of a social media savant living in the capitol of the entertainment world. why hypocritical you wonder? i attempted to be ashtons 1 millionth follower.

in this technological age it seems as though the more we advance the more we digress. house phones are obsolete, no one makes calls on cell phones, emailing is seldom done on computers, and who watches tv on a television? its like saying you boil water in the fridge or make toast in the sink. it makes no sense yet im sure if some scientific mumbo jumbo hibbity dibbity figured out a way to make a perfectly golden brown piece of sourdough or a crunchy slice of rye using your faucet and a sponge people would be on that like white on rice. i know i would lest i get left behind in the rapidly changing digital landscape. (ok so toast in a sink isnt digital but you get the point).

the whole reason that i have been twittering my little heart out is that i had my friend safia change my facebook password until i get all my papers turned in next week or else i would be wasting hours looking at pictures of the latest party that i wasnt at, or even that i was at because there is no greater thrill than reliving your alcohol blurred memories than on a public forum. instead of wasting time on facebook i have been using email, checking fmylife like three times a day, twitter at least twice an hour, and checking blogs of all friends and acquaintances. i even broke down one time and hacked into someones account whose password i know, just to see that friendly navy blue banner and the tabs welcoming me to my home page, profile, friends, or inbox. i had been off facebook for like three days. i may need a twelve step program before the week is out.

blogging is another thing too. it is a forum for attention whores everywhere to get things off their chest and validate themselves in some way. someone out there is bound to agree with them, they just dont know it yet. i know thats how i feel. i love me some attention in any form i can get it. when i see that someone has left a comment i get a little thrill in the pit of my stomach. who is it? what did they say? did they think i was funny? i hope they thought i was funny. thats pretty much exactly how i thinnk and im not apologizing for it, just putting it out into the world, hoping someone else thinks that way too.

i guess i feel like we are losing something when we use social media so much. i know i miss face to face interactions, a phone call, a good conversation instead of a conversation limited to a wall post, a 160 character text or tweet, a comment on a blog. does this mean i am going to stop using all the new fangled ways of communicating? not at all, i just might make more of an effort to be more personal. at the risk of sounding like a loser, in the past 10 days i have received or dialed two calls that were not my family or work. that is 2 social calls. however in the last 4 days i have received over 200 text messages. its a strange way of keeping in touch but i guess it works.

sorry this was a departure from my normal self deprecating, judgemental, petty posts which i love so much. i promise to return to those very soon.

you are the weakest link. goodbye.

a mournful day

today. today is a sad day. some of you may already know this, but last night i killed Luc. tragic really. my fictional friend was just going for a run and had a mis hap with a neighbor. after his run he came back and he took a shower. once he got out of the shower... curtains for luc. sorry luc. it was kinda hard to write. i mean luc is a little bit of me and killing him off was weird. now i know how JK Rowling felt killing Sirius. before i thought she was stupid for crying about killing a character that she made up but now i get it. what a tragedy. oh well. onward and upward.

at the risk of sounding like a 14 year old girl, i had a dream the other night that i saw the movie new moon. yes as in new moon the twilight sequel. judge me. please. i do. anyways. thats not the point. the point is that after seeing it i was very perturbed at the fact that the love of my life was not in it for some strange reason. who is the love of my life you ask? ashley greene aka alice. in the movie shes cute but in real life she has long hair and shes the perfect height and i may or may not be in love with her. is that creepy? probably. whatever. either way she was not in this version of new moon which surprised me because her name was in the credits and in the dream i knew that she had to go to vancouver to film the movie. WTF. clearly im having some strange subconscious issues.

today i found out that i have four papers due within 4 days of each other. that is one for monday, one for tuesday, one for wednesday, and one for thursday. they are all worth at least 20 % of my final grade. i knew going into today that i had three due that week, but now i have four. my super awesome lit teacher gave us the due date for his today. fuck. i hate papers. but class was good today because i got another star. high five for me. i said that in brokeback mountain the mountain is called brokeback because it is a metaphor for ennis and jack's (heath and jakey poo's) love for one another. their love is crippling i.e. they got a broken back. hot damn someone throw some water on me because i am ON FIRE. then we moved on to talking about as i lay dying which i hadn't opened since we read it junior year in ms. price's AP lit class. she was another teacher who hated me. probably because of the "loxodontas africanus" incident. we'll leave it at that.

in light of the fact that i have 4 papers due, several hundred pages of reading and my life to plan all within the next two weeks i should probably go be productive... aka watch house, lost and dead like me online followed by the 2 dvds of extras that came from netflix today. jealous? yeah me neither.