im down like the economy

i have started like four blogs about my life for the past couple of weeks but i cant seem to get any of them right. some seem to low brow, some sound like i'm trying too hard to be philosophical, and some are just stupid. so for now i am going to stick to writing from the heart- my most sincere and inner truths... not.

lately i have been facing some financial dilemmas. i have been cut off since i am not in school, which is understandable and i can deal with that. my mom has allowed me to essentially open a tab with her that i can just pay back later. this seems ok for now, but in a year when i am (probably) starting a new school in a new town i am going to be hard up for cash and friendless. overwhelming, right? my solution- cougar.



my good friend sarah mae jennings has been searching for a sugar daddy for months and as of yet has come up short. her plans for me to become her sugar daddy are looking bleaker as my debt is reaching the heights of mount vesuvius, so i decided to take a page out of her book and find someone to take care of me. she will shower me with gifts, fly me all over the world, feed me delicious food and make all of my wildest dreams come true, and in return i will make her feel young and look daaaayumm fine on her arm in front of her aging friends. im not above being an accessory.

my search for the perfect cougar is still in the beginning stages. she has to be somewhat attractive, otherwise this just isnt going to work out. i may not have many morals, but my standards are firmly set in place. im thinking something along the lines of mary louise parker, kate walsh, or even as old as julia louis dreyfuss. tina fey (see above) is also a prime candidate. also, shes gotta have dollas. a certain family member of mine is a cougar with a boytoy a decade or so younger, but she is nearly broke as a joke. im not into that situation. i need some financial stability and an accessible bank account. liquid assets are a must, but i like to see some investments. real estate is cheap right now, so snatching up houses all over the world would be a wise decision. look at me- i can be man candy AND a financial adviser. its a win-win if you ask me.

so, in conclusion to this little side note, if you have any cougs in your life that are single and lookin to mingle- send 'em my way.

ok now that i have taken care of that, a brief update on my life since NYC, my favorite city ever.

i went to boston- margaritas, sailing, mexican food, UFO beer and sinning in a church yard.
then after a four hour delay and me having visions of the plane being swept off the runway in a flash flood, i touched down in atlanta. it was a standard ATL visit- saw gigi, ate zaxbys, saw stephen, generally did nothing. then... ATHENS- probably my second favorite city and the greatest college town ever. i kicked it at 1979, slept in a bed with a man dam so kerry and i wouldnt touch in the middle of the night, met a glass elephant named turk, saw hollis wollis and victoria jennings who walks on the moon (but not like MJ), jammed to MJ and goofy movie sound track, made some new friends, and spent some quality time with one of my favorite people in the world (not that the rest of you arent amazing) sarah mae jennings. our narcissism creates a relationship based on telling each other how awesome we are. oh, and apparently, if i was a drug, i would be heroin because i am bad ass- but not like a strung out junkie on heroin, but like a bad ass rocker/celebrity on heroin that everyone wants to be. i make addiction look cool. that's definitely going on my college applications.

these streets will make you feel brand new

as i venture out into the world on my own i am starting to figure some stuff out about myself. i am over paranoid about having food allergies. i love meeting new people and i enjoy it alot more since i decided to quit being awkward. i despise people who i want to be just like. i can be wildly inappropriate, but i love doing it. oh, and I LOVE NEW YORK. not the sassy sista from the VH1 show, though i do love her too.

i love the city
the people
the sights
the smells
the attitudes
the food
the atmosphere
everything

my grandpa lives here, smack in the middle of park avenue, three blocks from central park. since on this particular adventure i am not visiting any schools, i have a couple of days to kill. the first day that i showed up here i was hungover and slightly disoriented after a few days of good times in philly and connecticut. i dropped my things off at pops and then rolled out to see the city. my first wanderings took me to fifth avenue to explore the lifestyles of the rich and famous. as soon as i come within view of the plaza hotel i noticed tons of video cameras and people. uuhh ok so whats this about? next thing i know doctor phil's balding self is talking to a tattooed and leather clad man with motorcycles. nice motorcycles. it must have been his midlife crisis special. dr. phil really has nothing interesting to offer me so i moved on with my life. strolling down the avenue i stared at the ridiculous looking people going into the high fashion boutiques, the plump tourists waiting for their chance to pose next to the models in front of abercrombie, the homeless guys shaking cups at passersby and just hoping for enough change to buy their next drink. people of all sorts rubbing shoulders on the streets and living on the same tiny island and calling it home. alas, i digress and wax nostalgic.

after this small stroll i went to lunch with a couple of my former sail caribbean students at serendipity. deeeelicious. then we went walking through the streets some more. we passed 30 rock, david letterman, and a huge street fair stretching for blocks down lexington avenue. as we kept wandering we realized that the VMAs were scheduled for that night at the radio city music hall. that explains all of the ridiculously formal people waiting in lines that said "check in." we wandered towards sixth ave and all of a sudden hear taylor swift blasting over through the streets. assuming its just a promo for the show that night, we kept walking. we were about to turn a corner when we saw people running back towards where we came from. there she is. my future wife and the love of my life- T.Swift singing and rockin out on top of a cab roughly 50 feet away from me. AAAAHAAAHHHHHHHHh all of my hopes and dreams have come true. i saw her. after standing there in shock for roughly 45 seconds her song ended and she climbed off the cab and went back inside, presumably to do more rehearsing or something. my life has been made almost complete. now i just have to figure out a way to get her to marry me. ideas? thoughts? suggestions?

so that concluded the main excitement for sunday. monday rolls around. i decided to walk from pop's apt uptown all the way down to ground zero to pay my respects. i passed through madison square park, canal street, soho, noho and NYU's main campus. the people watching was world class and i highly suggest to anyone who visits to say screw the subway, screw the cabs and hoof it all over. i wandered for six hours and walked 8-9 miles. amazing. on the way downtown i was confronted with gates and policemen everywhere. wtf? im just trying to go for stroll and you are in the way sir. i inquire as to why they are blocking me. dont they know i am a big deal? no. they do not know that i am a big deal. in fact, the reason they are there is because the president of the united states is within that block delivering a speech. oh. barry O. i think. hes a big deal. he can block my way. that being dealt with i continued on my way

today i am staying in my dad's hotel because he is here on business. downstairs, as i live and breathe, serena williams is doing an appearance for nike, so im gonna go sneak around and see what i can see. if i get arrested, its been lovely blogging for you for the last seven months. if i dont, then expect more to come in this epic adventure story.

hello. in the past ten days i have had two encounters with bears. that may be as many as i have had in the past ten years. i also danced with some hippies in the streets, drove nearly a thousand miles, made some new friends, and politely informed a pita pit worker that the pita she was rolling resembled an african refugee and that she should redo it. all in all, relatively good week. right?

ok well maybe that was not the whole week. for the most part i have been sitting on my ass doing nothing. i have watched the entire fourth season of weeds, third season of dexter, and i am halfway through the first season of 30 rock. god i love netflix on demand. its amazing. also i have been socializing with my lovely grandmother, gigi. i'm sure i've talked about gigi before, but just to refresh everyone's memory, i'll give you the quick and dirty 411 on gigi. shes 75, acts 93, only drinks chardonnay, and only if said chardonnay is under 6 bucks and only after 6:00. however, if she does not have a little class of cheap, chilled, chard in her hand at 6:02 she will yell that shes late for cocktails and boogie on over to the fridge. she watches the stock market like its a match to the death between a sabre tooth tiger and a stegosaurus (sabre tooth has the teeth, stego has the spikey tail- tough call on who'd win), and of course she could never miss tennis match or golf tourney- she just likes yelling at the balls. how do i know all these fun facts- why i lived with her of course, and now gigi is in spokane visiting my family.

since gig (pronounced geeg, not to rhyme with fig) and i are generally outsiders in my house, have no friends in spokane, and nearly get lost going to the mailbox we have been at home for days doing nothing. fun. not. anyways, yesterday my mom decided to take us up to this area called green bluff where you can go pick apples and peaches and veggies and stuff from all these farms. well as soon as we get up there gigi became determined to not only get the most fruit, but to get the biggest and tastiest fruit. her tendency to act older than she is quickly disappeared and she was spry as a bird, nimbly plucking peaches from the trees and not hesitating to take a bite when she thought necessary. you gotta sample the product, right? so as gigi stood by, both arms straight out to her sides to avoid dripping peach juice down her front, sortof like a toddler does when they are peeing in their pants, my mother and i continued gathering fruit. gigi liked to get her input in whenever she could- "charlie grab that one!" gigi its 8 feet in the air "i dont care you're tall grab it!" alright gig.... and so it continued. by the time we got to the third farm gigi was over picking in the field and had started considering the 5 finger discount approach to fresh produce. "OOHHH char look at that tomato- wouldnt you just love that with some nice mozz and balsamic, hey snatch that right up, will ya? just stick it in your pocket they'll never know." yet again i was forced to refuse the requests of my kleptomania-cal grandmother. i will not be an enabler in her quest to be the stingiest person on earth. lord knows she does a good enough job herself. after a brief encounter with some freakishly large zucchini (too big to steal) and, in her words "a wonderful" porta potty, we packed up the car and headed for home. another eventful day done.