you're talkin shit again.

how fitting that my last post's title came from a song called "dental care." i might even call it prophetic, but more of a miss cleo prophetic than, say, jesus. i suppose he still wins even though if i was gods kid i would sure as shit get better than frankincense and myrrh. i'll take the gold though. pawn that shit and blow it on strippers and coke. just kidding. god definitely would send me to messiah military school for that shit.

so back to the dental care shenanigans. last week when i went to my bi-annual checkup i had the fill in dental hygenist. these women are bad enough as it is, but to get the fill in one, the second string, you know you're in some shit. first she asked me the same question numerous times. i told her yes i go to USC. she proceded to ask me all about SEC and tell the doctor that i went there. hey dipshit! THATS NOT A SCHOOL!!!! Lindalea, you fail yet again. Then whilst cleaning my teeth she poked and prodded every last nook and cranny of my gums and kept saying "oh we have a little bleeding here..." yeah no shit, you just used your medieval torture device masquerading as a dental instrument to stab me half to death. i reserve the right to bleed under these circumstances. i finally made it through this terrible ordeal only to be lectured on my keebler elf of a dentist on the merits of flossing, which i dont make a habit of. i was already on the edge so i tuned out and pretended that my teeth were invincible and immune to the dangers of plaque and gingivitis.

fast forward to this week. my pretend immunity failed. i showed up and for the first time in my life got a semi normal hygienist. i'll take it. i settled in for a long haul. i knew i had 14 sealants coming my way and i wasnt going to like it, but my mom got to watch a movie while she had her stuff done so i figured i would be allowed to as well. negative ghostrider. no movie. only pain. after installing a dental dam in my mouth (which my RA handed out freshman year in case you wanted to go down on some lucky lady... strange.) and drawing the first blood we had to wait for the dentist. my hygienist then started trying to have a conversation with me. they always do that i can never figure out why. are you that lonely that you have to try to talk to someone with a sheet of rubber, two giant metal clamps and copious amounts of drool in and around their mouth? i mean i know im a hoot and a half but really she could have asked for my opinion of avatar before or after installing the dental equivalent of a ball gag. my answers limited to grunts and head shakes, i soon went into a trance like state only to leave it after the foreign objects were removed from my mouth.

but wait, there's more.

that was only the top teeth. the bottom teeth were more of the same, but i had a longer wait for the dentist to stop making those delicious fudge stripes in his tree and come attend to the home depot that had accumulated in my mouth. i took in my surroundings... the blank, movie-less tv screen, the parking lot outside, a nifty little contraption called the "compudent" that i figured sterilized things or something. wrong. shortly into my next round of sealants they discovered a cavity. ok no big deal they will numb me up and that will be that. wrong. they just drilled away with a reassuring "you're doing great" and filled the tooth without any novacaine. FML. the more they started saying "great job, outstanding, hang in there" the more i cursed their mothers to hell and their daughters to whore-dom, only silently because of the aforementioned ball gag. i made it through my cavity fine and then they found another. FUUUUUCK. apparently this one had more decay and they were gonna have to numb me up. at least they found this occasion to be thrifty with the damn drugs. i braced myself for a little pinch when i looked up at the compudent. before i know it the elven dentist was pulling a huge needle out of it dripping with some numbing agent and it was headed directly for my chompers. AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! i didnt have time to react too much because he jabbed away and next thing i knew the right side of my mouth no longer belonged to me. some scraping, crunching and grinding ensued and i cringed through it, and fortunately survived. barely. at least no more dental work for six months and while my mouth was numb i only let water spill out of it twice before i decided i had better hold off on sustenance until further notice.

well that was my adventure today. saturday is the day that i have been waiting for. I FINALLY MOVE. yessssssss.