Its even better when its with ice cream

PEACHES AND CREAM! thats right, i said it. i was cruisin around listening to kiis 102.7 FM because im hardcore and shit and that gem came on. it brought me back to the days when i actually thought they were talking about a delicious dessert topping, and not, you know... IT.

so yeah. alot has happened in the last week. i went home. i saw the puppy. i played with the puppy. i skied for like a day and a half, got back to LA, wrote 2 short papers, had a midterm, got recruited to organize a gatorade pong tournament (again, hardcore), found out i have creeper readers who i dont even know and got a new trainer cuz the no-showing homeskillet from previous posts wasnt meeting productivity quotas. bummer. i kinda liked him. good week, right?

i will start with the puppy- her name is Marge after the main character in Fargo, that really twisted movie with the bloody woodchipper scene. my whole fam thinks her name is a hoot because the accents and such in the movie are so funny so we call her marge from minnesota, you betcha. other people fail to see the humor in the situation. if you are one of said people, go die. Marge is absolutely the coolest dog i have met except for my old dogs of course. me and my dog chancy were best friends when i was little. i would tip over the garbage can full of dog food and we would have a feast. i even would tell my mom that we were going to sleep in her dog house together, but alas, i was never allowed. but i digress. marge is really awesome but she needs to outgrow the biting stage. after 20 minutes with her i looked like i was into self mutilation, which im not, but hey, whatever floats your boat.


moving on. over the weekend i also got to see kate, who is going to germany in less than two weeks for study abroad. she doesnt speak german- minor detail because she will succeed on just pure bad assness. its a fact. just thought i would mention it because i am very impressed.

whenever i leave LA i realize how much i actually enjoy living in this shit hole. i mean i dont necessarily love my crappy over priced apartment in the g-hettooo. who wouldnt want to pay over 3 grand a month for a 2 bedroom 2 bath apartment with shitty appliances and ants. dont worry though, the ants are free. aside from that little tidbit i have fallen in like with LA. i even like the homeless people. i give nicknames to the ones i see on a regular basis. at the corner of beverly and la cienega one can find crazy herb/ erv. i go back and fourth. he has no teeth and walks through the cars waving and smiling at people. i'd imagine he smells like urine and old chinese food but i've never had the pleasure of catching a whiff. i just always think that he looks like he smells bad. does that make sense? another of my homeless buddies is melba (i named her after a sauce on the cheesecake at whitefish lake restaurant). she roams the ralphs parking lot near school. she is this little old black lady with a cart/ walker thing and she just comes toddling up to you and says "can you help me?" at first i was struck by my inner good Samaritan (rare occurrence) and said "of course, what do you need?" and she said "money." well shit. i thought she needed help putting groceries in her car or maybe putting a cart away. nope. she cut right to the chase and demanded some dolla dolla bills. HELL TO THE NAW! i proceeded to tell her nope im not helping, and get in my car to drive away. the whole time she stared at me and told me i was going to hell. whatever melba.

another of my favorite sights in LA are the LA grannies. they have been nipped and tucked more times than should be legally allowed and resemble the people from the move the dark crystal if you caught that fine piece of cinematographic art. after further research i have realized that the people in the dark crystal are actually puppets. the LA grandmas resemble puppets. eyes wide, faces unnaturally taught, lips enlarged and hair extensions that look like someone chopped off a horses tail. also take note that these sassy seniors have rock hard (im guessing) scary as all get out fake tits that clearly do not belong. its just frightening. does no one age gracefully in this town? im all for a little botox here, little lipo there and maybe a perk job once the girls start saggin in during the cougar years but once you are receiving social security benefits you should be cut off from elective surgery. lets make that a stipulation of the entitlements program. hear that Barry O? now get shit done.

mmk what else do i have to say to you cool kids who read my contribution to the literary world. oh. this kid is a diamond in the rough. a real winner. hes goin places. if you read his profile he has an agency. he will be miley cyrus in a male form. i just know it.

this week my belief that the majority of professors think that i have the intellect of a rock, or possibly a toad, which is better because at least it has a pulse. i said something moderately intelligent in my lit class and what do i get "...ok anyone else?" FML. oh well. they just clearly do not recognize how fucking awesome i truely am. their loss.

oh balls i almost forgot! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SARAH MAE JENNINGS. if only i was across the country i would be karaokeing my heart out with the princess herself. i love karaoke. its awesome. and sarahs awesome. and i'm awesome. see how nicely this is coming together? welcome to your twenties sarah. and now a visual representation of our love

B-E-A-UTEEFULL

make my mutants grooooowww!!!!

yesterday i braved the journey from sunny los angeles to gray, disgusting, spokane washington. looovely. yesterday i did learn several things about myself however. now, allow me to enlighten you.

1. I LOVE WATCHING PEOPLE- airports provide an excellent venue for people watching. people are stressed, rushing for their flights, some are bored and trying to entertain themselves, some people are even sick. probably my most memorable airport experience occurred during senior year of high school when trying to go from atlanta to new york to visit NYU. all flights to la guardia and jfk were either cancelled or severely delayed so the airport was swarming with people. there were probably at least five school groups going to new york for some choir trip or something equally as bad ass. they all could be easily distinguished through their matching tshirts and complete disregard for their group aging southern baptist group leader. one of my faves was a drunk girl stumbling through the terminal on high heels looking like she was tits deep in margaritas. she also made a mexican friend to go with her mexican beverage. i think his name was carlos or juan or jose. either way. home girl slurred and stumbled her way after our south-of-the-border friend for hours and he was clearly not stoked on it. if only i could have seen the conclusion of this incongruent pairing. by far my favorite sight on that day was one of our aforementioned school group friends. he and a buddy were walking down the middle of the terminal when suddenly this guy stops, pauses for a second, bends over, pukes his guts out (looked like chicken pot pie or possibly fettuccine alfredo, either way-YUM), then he proceeds to straighten up, regain his composure, and continue on his way as if nothing happen. no effort to warn his fellow travelers, no move to get someone to clean it up, just carrying on with his day as if everyone pukes in the middle of an airport just for shits and giggles. that night i swear to god i was in a fun house, thankfully last night was not nearly as exciting. i did see some fat people discussing how delicious the 12 hour old chinese food smelled, a dude with a hot wife who looked relatively normal except for his killer lisp, and then there was the couple behind me from LA to salt lake city. wifey was maybe 5 feet. hubby was at least six feet 220 pounds, maybe even 235 and had a tuft of hair escaping from his shirt. seXXXy. the announcement comes on to turn off cell phones and the husband thinks he has to remove the battery from all electronic devices. wifey giggles and explains he shouldnt be so silly. then they have a chuckle and move on. after we land wifey gets her phone out and proceeds to call their pet sitter. normal right? hell to the no. first words out of her mouth "did you feed the tortoise?" WHO THE EFF OWNS A TORTOISE. after a brief discussion of the tortoise and various other less exotic creatures she hangs up and assures her husband that the tortoise has been fed, not to worry.
   
2. my next realization is that while i love watching people, i fucking hate talking to them. some people are just so stupid i just want to punch them in the face. some people just are strange to talk to. my first flight it was me in the middle in quite possibly the narrowest seat ever and two business men on my side. it was perfect because they had their business, i watched friends on the tv in the seat, no talking. great. however earlier upon arrival that the airport the guy who checked my bag had questions galore for me. trying to make polite small talk. F THAT. i dont want small talk. you are so wierd. he started saying something about UCLA and i dont even know where he was coming from. i then smiled and walked away. on my second flight the woman next to me was very nice. i answered a couple of her questions and then started reading my book, figuring that our relationship had run its course and we would exist in silent exit row harmony for the remainder of the flight. wrong again. she had more to say. the problem- my lovely sixty year old seat mate was a low talking. straight out of seinfeld low talker. i could hear the first word and then it would trail off in a stream of unintelligible mumbles. for the life of me i could not hear a single thing she said after word three. i reverted to my trusty old smile, nod, ignore. rude? yes. necessary? yes. problem solved
3. my final realization is that i am downright neurotic. whenever i go wheels up in a plane i think "this is it, i am never going to see terra firma again. the slightest bit of turbulence? an engine is out and we're going down. a tiny change in the constant whine of the engine? WE"RE GONNA DIE!!!!! its an issue really. i mean if i have several flights to get to where i'm going i make peace with my sins probably six times that day. its an issue. however, my neuroticism has is definitely not a new development. the first time i freaked the F out that i can vividly remember was when i was probably five. harrison was a little baby and it was the middle of summer. i was laying on my couch in my living room, absolutely hysterical , because i was convinced that the monsters from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers were going to attack my mother and my baby bro on the golf course and killing/maiming/ kidnapping them. i was inconsolable. i had images of goldar (see below) swooping down and taking harrisons car seat from the golf course. bad news bears. things just got worse from there. i played zelda ocarina of time when i was 11 and was so terrified i had to sleep in my parents room for a month. suffice it to say i am just a tad paranoid.
   

well i think thats about all i have to say about that. those are my words of wisdom for today. just for something to look forward to- i have a new BFF named marge. she is my new puppy and i will be posting pictures of how incredibly bad ass she is very soon. WOOOO

i danced my face off, had this one girl completely naked

valentines day sucks. it just does. i did go out, put on the good face, i even had a little fun. however, i still ended up alone in my bed with my computer sitting on my chest wanting to blog but too drunk to figure out how to sign in. instead i laughed at my own witty jokes, which i thankfully cant remember, texted with one eye closed (when i used 2 eyes i saw 2 phones, its only logical right?) and watched youtube videos. but wait there's more. this morning i woke up at 725 to go film a music video for a kid in the film school. head pounding, room spinning, wanting to die, i dragged myself to starbucks, only to realize that i had left my credit card and open tab at the nine oh last night. oh, and i had lost my roommates fake ID that i didnt even use but somehow ended up with. cool. however i quickly realized that my night could have ended worse- my good buddy safia texed me "im having a meltdown, i lost my car." she wins.

in all i am not a valentines day fan. all you do is eat candy to make yourself feel better, and lets get real- candy hearts are really gross so its not even worth it. i'm actually pretty ok with not having an actual valentine to canoodle, i get more fed up with all the commercials and accompanying bullshit that goes with it. however, it does provide an excellent excuse to get sloshed so it cant be that bad of a holiday, right?

so other than valentines day, this weekend i was in an 80s music video for a kid in the film school. i mean tons of people are out of town so why shouldnt i waste my time doing something nice for another person. god im such a giver. before you go thinking this is some kind of elaborate affair lets get something straight, this is a student film with no budget at all and a relatively inexperienced director at the helm. it could have been a disaster but it wasnt. it went pretty well i think. i mean we had to contend with some crazies in the university village shopping center but thats to be expected. in fact i think five guys dressed in spandex, cut off t shirts, wigs, and pink tights may have even fit right in with the mexican fiesta full of jarritos and questionable nachos, the old man with no teeth singing, well serenading really, and the homeless lady telling a wall that jesus will save it for roughly 45 minutes before moving on to enlighten some other inanimate object. good times had by all

last night in my drunken assault of youtube i stumbled upon this gem. i dig it. you should too if you know whats good for you. i also decided that i need to make my life more like asher roths in the music video since a repeated line to me last night was "wow charlie i never see you outside your apartment" FML.

FML is another good one that i found. endless amounts of laughter, but if you read sarah jenning's blog then you would probably know that already.

alright. well i dont really have anything else to say.

my flippy floppies

it has been brought to my attention that i discuss television. alot. my friend kate told me that i appear obsessed with tv, and its quite possit. well you know what. im fine with that. i love television. back when i was a fat kid with some man boobies it was my bff. dont judge thats just how i rolled. i would come home from school, make myself a bowl of microwaveable pasta or possibly nachos and then i would settle in for the long hall. i mean i had some mtv to choose from, charmed on tnt, sitcoms on tbs, and i wasnt above disney channel back then. hell even invite oprah and we'll have a party. just dont bring that bastard dr. phil. hes a real debbie downer with all that express your problems shit. it was much more my style to eat my feelings instead of deal with them. screw chicken soup for the soul- give me some mac and cheese, some chips, possibly a cupcake. carbs, cheese, sugar= fat and happy char char.

well now that i have that off my chest.

this week was a fantastic. NOT. 2 papers. TWO. and one was in french. im not even sure what i wrote about. no worries. i just channeled my inner joey and cranked that shit out. i see A's in my future. then this morning i had my study abroad interview. i was told i would have to speak french for a couple minutes and the rest would be in english. well how did that go... lets see "hi, thanks for coming in today, now we are going to switch to french for the rest of the interview, wa wa wee wa." holy hell. what did i even say. yet again. see joey.

one highlight of the week however, was The Lonely Island dropping their first ever album: Incredibad. it speaks to my soul. i suggest everyone download it. basically tpain canoodles a mermaid and i.. well.. you know.

after sitting here staring at my blog for like thirty minutes i really realized that i need to step up my game. i just have not had any adventures lately worthy of sharing with the world. i mean i can only bitch and moan so much before it just becomes redundant.

this weekend i am planning to undertake some serious endeavors. for one i need to go grocery shopping. that is like going to a toy store for me. food is numero uno for me (see above). i am planning some delicious taste treats in the next week and all i currently have is nutella, cadburry's chocolate, and some tortillas. while this may be delicious, it is not exactly sustaining. one other weekend plan is to be in an 80s homage music video for some kids film class project. i found it on facebook. hopefully it works out. i love me some 80s rockin jams and some fly 80s gear. other things afoot- disneyland? clubbin? car in the shop? all super awesome if you ask me.

alright well hopefully next time i will have some other adventure to talk about or some rant to get off my chest or some of my worldly wisdom to impart to you, cuz i am full of that shit.

oh and i just saw a commercial for jonas brothers 3D concert featuring my future wife taylor swift. i might have to go see it. IT WILL BE LIKE I CAN ALMOST TOUCH HER. dont worry im not a creep or anything. right?

yooooooooo

this weekend was relatively uneventful except for saturday night, as you may know from my previous post. so instead of ranting about something or giving my valued insight on current events. instead we are going to travel back in time. back to the days of yesteryear- the greatest moments in MTV true life's history.


we are going to start with one of my earliest true life memories- True Life: I'm getting breast augmentation. to me, a wee 11 year old, seeing tittays on MTV was like a dream come true. and they didnt blur these out like they normally would. they just ran a disclaimer before the show saying they were gonna show some breasts and viewer discretion blah blah blah. whatever. it wasnt going to deter my pervy little prepubescent ass. they showcased 2 girls getting their tits inflated (YAY) and one girl getting hers reduced (BOOOOOO). in all fairness though the ones that got sliced did hang down to like the girls bellybutton and she was only like 22. bummer. so that was my first favorite true life episode because they showed boobs.

then of course there is True Life: I'm a staten island girl. these chicks are nuts. thick accents, killer tempers, unrealistic expectations, and all about guidos. in one word: skanks. heres a sample:


Meet Angelashes an educated and empowered woman living at home with her parents and desperate for a man. she has the attitude drea de matteo on the sopranos with the annoying accent/voice of fran drescher on the nanny-as she says about guys who are half brazillian and half italian- great combo!shes goes to the gym all the time. she likes to look at the guys all orangy from the tanning salon, with their bulging muscles from all the protien shakes and their hair all did because they are douches like that. sometimes she even goes out on dates:

it looks as though love is in the air for our dear angela... or not. just look at them, avoiding eye contact, hardly touching their drinks, completely absorbed in their food- definitely no hanky panky for this way cool guy. its probably because of his soul patch. rookie mistake.

in the end angela realizes that all guys she dates are typical staten island jerk offs (in this case it would be jerk awff actually). great job mtv. great job.

my last and most favorite episode of true life is True Life: I have Tourrettes. holy moly. i am definitely going to hell for loving this shit as much as i do. no questions asked, do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars straight shot to hell for the rest of eternity. i dont care. its worth it.




two of the featured young people in this episode i kinda feel bad for. they suffer and suffer and cant really do much about it. then there is alyssa. shes 16, sassy, and lives with her juicy sweatsuit loving grandma. i would feel bad for alyssa but shes so terrible to her poor in-denial-about-her-age grandma that i cant. i wish i could share an example with you but apparently they have all been deleted. F YOU MTV. F U.



alyssas issues are far and wide- she nearly takes an eye out trying to do her make up, which may have been better than the end result. she had more make up on than a drag queen in a pride parade. seriously. it was kinda scary. she also gets her grandma to do her hair- but it has to be done just so. well grandma apparently just didnt have her head on straight because alyssa's hair had BUMPS!!! AAAHH. she proceeded to stomp and scream and yell and i really wish i could find a clip. if i ever do i will repost. she calls her grandmother fucking careless, which if i did to gigi i would have had the taste slapped out of my mouth and i wouldnt have eaten for a week. mean mean alyssa- be nice!! its an all out debacle and i highly recommend visiting mtv.com to see the episode or at least the highlights. you will laugh for hours, but then kinda feel bad, but then laugh some more so its all ok.

some of my other faves include true life im moving to new york (the male model is a complete dolt its a hoot), im fat and happy (theres a sassy and curvaceous sista on there who carries ranch in her purse, my kinda woman), im the black sheep (fat girl who thinks she will be in playboy, cheerleader in a goth family- you just cant make some of the stuff up), and i'm in lockup or something like that (one guy is named stinky which just makes me chuckle, and his baby momma is a riot too)

well thats all i have to say about true life. i really wish i could find some quality clips to share with you but i am fresh out. if you feel so inclined then you could peruse about by yourself online to see what you can find. happy hunting.

heres a secret: im a little drunk.

i usually love the food network. i just turned it on. i was all stoked for food network challenge- these poor shits have to make dresses out of chocolate. i mean who does that with their life? oh and i also kindof hate the host of the show. he might be autistic. thats rude but i dont care.

so anyways. i was stoked for food network and then i saw a commercial with alton brown. i hate that slimy motherfucker. that guy is bad enough of good eats, even worse on iron chef america, and now they are giving him a commercial. WTF. and have you seen him lately- he looks like a dirty frenchman who needs a haircut, a shave, and a shower. f him.

i do love food network though. but i will talk about that later.

hey

it is raining in LA. this is terrible. a travesty. a tragedy. just downright disgraceful to be honest. i did not move my ass across the country to be rained on. i'm going to write a letter to the governator and complain about this. he'll definitely fix it. i mean hes an effing terminator- he can probably make cars fly, cure aids, and stop global warming all with a couple quick flexes of his pecs (think samantha from bewitched's nose twitch but instead of a nose its man boobs and instead of a milf its an aging austrian body builder).

so this morning i showed up to the gym to meet with my personal trainer, because my luxurious LA lifestyle requires that type of thing (if i sound like any more of a douche i will have to kick my own ass). well home boy did not show because we had a miscommunication, so while i am standing around like an idiot before i figured this out i saw one of the publicists that i intern for. perfect. i see no celebs at the gym today but i do get to see one of my superiors. let me tell you something- when i go to the gym i dont look my normal hot self. i look rough. i'm talkin barely awake, wearing my fly (read: ridiculous) kicks, stupid looking workout shorts have had since freshman year and a naaaasssty old tshirt. i can barely form sentences. so after struggling through a brief exchange of words with this publicist i knew i would it was going to definitely be a great day.

so i move on, do my work out on my own, whatever. no big deal. i shower up and head to work and mentally prepare myself for the trek through the rain to the office. intern bitches have to park over in china and then trek to the office. its a dangerous and harrowing journey- i've considered hiring a sherpa. anywho- i showed up in the parking lot to find my buddy bri, in the parking lot smoking a cig. first words out of her mouth- "are you hungover?" FML. i look hungover. i wasnt mind you. but it really gave the confidence booster that i needed to continue through my day.

work was the same old boring shenanigans, burned some dvds, ate some cupcakes (which were green btw), pretended like i was doing something. regular day at the office. cool.

then i had to drive home through the monsoon scene in jumanji (im pretty sure theres a monsoon in there if not then im thinking of a different movie). it was terrible.

after getting back to my hood (south central HOOOLLLAAAA) i went to ralphs, which is like publix of southern california. my checker was very bitter and rude, then i realized that my buddy steve (after he scanned my mushrooms we moved up from a cashier-customer relationship to buddies) had been working at ralphs for 33 years. it said so right on his badge- 33 years of service. why would you ever tout that as an accomplishment ralphs? are you trying to increase employee suicide rates? you should just send him packing after a 20 years for his own damn good. especially if hes only risen to assistant store manager or some bullshit. poor steve. i kinda felt bad for him but then he was very pushy with his bag boy about some stamp thing so i demoted steve from buddy back down to checker and then wrote him out of my life altogether. bye steve.

well the rest of my night has been pretty much facebooking, cooking, eating, eating nutella, watching tv. i have to get up early tomorrow because my trainer rescheduled me for 9 am tomorrow. doesnt he know i have a hot date with the back of my eyelids and my full length body pillow (its been a bit of a dry spell dont judge). whatever. im going to bed. i hope you enjoyed todays update on my way cool life.

good night and good luck at not becoming steve. that would suck.

currently i am sitting on the floor of my room, in the semi dark, without any pants on. dont get too excited though, i am wearing boxers. just no pants. i could explain in detail but its been a rough week so we'll just leave it at no pants.

so last night i was prevented from watching one of my absolute favorite shows, lost, because i had to blog in french. the next logical question is what kind of idiot blogs in french? well me and the rest of my french class for one. i have created a fictional character named Luc DeBow and i write about his life. last night he was drunk in a nightclub and then started having issues with his mortality. what a bitch. i think luc needs to lay off the sauce for a while.

a little bit more about my buddy luc- hes a douche nozzle. without question. hes blonde, wears glasses when he wants to make him look smart, gets les filles, has a giant throbbing bank account. he also is a manipulative son of a bitch with some other issues but those are yet to blogged about en francais so i dont want to spoil the surprise.


The man, The legend


french is not the only class that is killing me though. i decided to take this class imrov and theater games.its once a week and i thought it would be fun. funny. have a laugh and end my week on a good note. the first day that was true. since then, it has transformed into "boot camp" no joke. thats what he calls it. WTF am i doing in boot camp. my faithful readers (yeah sarah) know that i am not cut out for boot camp. park my ass by the pool or on the beach and i am done. gimme a cerveze and i will indeed jizz in my pants (you call it premature i call it ecstasy alright).

then there is lit. every single day we talk about masterpieces and whoever says something vaguely intelligent gets a star. i take two issues with this system- its seems like every joe, jim and f.scott out there wrote a damn masterpiece so clearly we need to change our masterpiece standards/alter the reading list/ read something more along the lines of Superfudge. the second issue is that every time i try to say something intelligent i never know when to end my sentence so i usually start out strong "well i think this symbolizes blah blah blah something intelligent blah blah and also.. uuuhh. uumm.. yeah..." i just cant quit while im ahead. suffice it to say i have no stars.

so thats a brief synopsis of my classes so far this semester. well three of the five. the other two are gems as well but i'll save those for other times.

time for me to shower up and go eat a lamb burger with tziki sauce (would it be inapropriate to jizz in my pants again).

you always remember your first...

so this is my first foray into the world of blogging. i'm really not sure what im doing here. i feel like i am being thrown into the deep end of the pool without my water wings. i always kindof judged people who have blogs for no real reason. i mean who wants to read about all my bullshit. i know of one person- SARAH MAE JENNINGS. so for now this will become a tribute to her

sarah is really cool because her major is romance languages- she can whisper sweet nothings into your ear in french and spanish. ay papi/oui papa. she also spent a semester in costa rica, where she ate alot of delicious food, made friends with deany weany, and became all pura vida. oh and she also killed chickens and piled all their guts in a bucket:



im definitely impressed. sarah also is always full of great life advice. heres a couple of her gems:

-Carpe nuevo and get your d worked

-dont worry, i look sexy. i'll get mine. you get yours.

-if i had balls, they would be blue

ok so the last on isnt so much advice as it is a metaphor for unrequited love/ prude guys who need to grow a pair. to end this ode to a tica princess i will share a choice photo. i would have a better selection but the bitch deleted her facebook.



and to take one more page from her book:
peace, love, and princess sarah mae