lionfish, tiger sharks and barracudas, oh yes

things i have learned:

swimming in rainforests is a clothing optional activity
wallabys, while cute, can be creepy
driving on the left side of the road is just stupid
aussies dont say shrimp on the barbie
aussie dudes straighten their hair and wear jorts and drink bitch beer and its acceptable
macdonalds is my favorite
koalas are heavy
i am not allergic to the worm at the bottom of the tequila bottle
sharks do not think i am a tasty treat
it is possible to drank a coca cola at the bottom of the ocean under 80 feet of water


ok so i have been working on this post for like a week because i just dont have the time/energy/money to spend too long on the internet when i could be out learning/doing any of the aforementioned things. so i will just skip over part of my epic adventure (it would have been some good stories too)and move on to the most recent stuff. SCUBA SCUBA

last monday morning, so a week ago, kit and i started getting our dive certifications in Cairns, which is roughly two stone skips and a shark attack away from the great barrier reef- so pretty damn close. we were picked up, bleary eyed and discombobulated, at the ass crack of dawn outside of our hostel. we mumbled hellos to the other novice divers anxiously picturing their own watery deaths (ok maybe it was just me) and went on to pick up a couple more people, including Mei. now mei is a special one. she is from china i think, but currently lives in scotland. if you have never heard a thick asian accent mixed with a twinge of scottish gruffness then you have never truly lived. its as if jackie chan and fat bastard had a ridiculously uncoordinated and awkward child. i may be in love. mei's grand entrance into my life will forever be remembered. as she attempted to hoist herself into the passenger seat of the large child molester-esque van that we all were riding in, she failed. apparently after hefting her bag into the car she only managed to get half her ass onto the seat, and then she fell like the berlin wall out of the van and onto the pavement. OHHHHHH SHIIIT. that just happened. no worries mei, just dust yourself off and pick up your dignity from the sidewalk. she needed it you see, because she had plenty more opportunities to lose it throughout the week, but more on that later.

our first two days of diving were split between a classroom, where this mad cool instructor janine would train us in the theory of breathing underwater. let me sum it up for you- dont hold your breath, dont run out of air, and dont be retarded, you are not going be attacked by a megaladon while diving (that was my real main concern). suffice it to say that monday and tuesday were sufficiently boring, however mei did manage to nearly drown in the 12 foot deep pool. janine had to haul her up from the bottom and hold her head above water whilst mei gasped for air and refused to inflate the inflatable vest that ones wear scuba diving. oh mei, how i cherished your plump little face compressed in the folds of the BCD while janine held you, tenderly, by your airtank and yelled "INFLATE MEI! INFLATE!" i nearly j'd in my p on the spot.

finally, bright and early on wednesday morning- and i mean bright and fuckin early as in 6am, we boarded our trusty ocean faring vessel and headed for the reef. on the ride out there we made better friends with our fellow scuba enthusiasts including three hilarious irish girls, a really cool couple from the UK, a Czech guy who spear fishes and a doctor from LA who may be my new hero because she went to an ivy league school, graduated with a degree in engineering, went home and waitressed for a while, worked in animation for several years and now is an ER doc and goes on badass vacations on the side. kit and i now have hope that we will be successful and productive human beings... someday. three hours later we arrived on the reef and suited up for our first dive.

the first day we did two dives and it was pretty damn awesome. we saw a giant moray eel with a green head and spots all over his body. the fish there are unreal. they are everywhere and waaaay bigger than any that i have seen in the past. absolutely massive buggers. especially these ones called bumperhead parrot fish. they are like two feet long and 18 inches high and they just sit in schools and drift. not even swim. drift. we also saw some christmas tree worms, which are way cooler than they sound, turtles, and stingrays. epic.

the next day we saw alot more of the same, including nemo and dory and the dude with the scar in the fishtank. on one dive we even saw TWO sharks. count em. TWO. i didnt even poo my wetsuit either. i was so stoked. mostly because they were little bastards. even so, i was trying to make friends with them.

that night we had a night dive. i hate going into the ocean at night. hate it. all my years of shark week and animal planet and steve irwin have taught me that night time is when the scary shit comes out to get you. however, i was not about to pass up this opportunity. right before we got in the water we all ate dinner. after dinner we rinse the plates in the water and usually fish school all around the boat. usually these fish are red and kinda cool. this time however there was a six foot shark cruising around with them. what the eff. i did not sign up to swim with a six foot shark at night. hell to the no. oh god. my adrenaline was already pumping and we had an hour before we went under the surface. right after this janine gathered us around a table and gave us the DL about what we were going to do and see. she of course said that we were going to see some sharks and most of them would be harmless little reef sharks, but occasionally there are some larger tiger sharks and hammerheads. uuhhh what? i do not like that. not at all. i hate them in fact. my interest piqued i leaned forward across the table and tried not to soil myself (i'm a nervous poo-er what can ya do). janine continued, "occasionally these animals can get to be aggressive. if they start circling us and acting like they may attack, we are going to do whats called the ring of steel. we will all face inwards with our tanks facing out. this will help protect us from the animal if it should attack. after we link arms, what do you think we are going to do." some people not as versed in shark behavior said "go to the surface." WRONG BITCHES. sharks attack from below!!!! GO DOWN GO DOWN!!!! i knew this fact but at this point i had stopped producing saliva and my brain was slowly shutting down. "we will head to the bottom," corrected janine, "it doesnt matter what we are over, coral, sand, rocks, we will go to the bottom. now, right before the shark attacks, they will bump their prey. if this happens, there is really nothing that we can do. if the person next to you ends up getting bumped, let go of their arm. they are on their own to swim to the surface, we need to focus on getting the rest of us to safety." at this point i was on the verge of tears. my hands were shaking and i was about to pass out. several people let out some nervous laughter before janine and the other instructors on the boat burst out laughing so hard that i thought they were going to die. apparently there are no tiger sharks where we were, and they almost never see anything besides reef sharks. fuck that. i am sitting here having a panic attack and these idiots are hootin and hollerin like they're at a nascar race. however, i couldnt be pissed because i was laughing too and also so ridiculously relieved that i didnt have to worry about any more sharks. after that i happily went to put on my gear even though they staff played the jaws theme song complete with the blood curdling scream as we were being dragged into the water. i think that night took about six years off my life. oh and also we saw a sleeping lionfish- them shits are venomous. cool.

the next day we woke up for another dive- this time a deep dive because i decided to go for my adventure scuba dive certification. this means that i can go to 30 m- 99 feet without an instructor. after you hit about 23 meters the nitrogen levels in your blood build up significantly and everyone experiences something called nitrogen narcosis. its similar to being drunk, but more fun and waay more dangerous because you are under six stories of water and have a very limited amount of air before you die- especially me. i went through air like a fat kid at an all you can eat buffet. they had to give me an extra large tank just so i could make it down to the same level as everyone else. back to the dive- we got to 27 meters and janine had us do an activity where you point to 12 numbers in a grid in chronological order. the numbers go to 13, but skip 7. to be finished you had to tell her which number was missing. i was the last to go so i knew 7 was the missing number and i was all ready to go and get the thing done in record speed. i made it through all the numbers and then held up my hands proundly. nothing. janine was still timing me. i looked at my hands just to make sure it was right -five fingers on one hand and three on the other- 7. it took me several more seconds to realize that 5+3 is 8. what can i say i dropped out of school alright. after that game janine whipped out a coke in a can and popped the top. nothing happened- it just stayed in there. she proceeded to take out her reg and drink the coke. then we all passed it around the circle taking drinks of it. it was soooooo awesome. for some reason me and one of the irish girls thought this was hilarious- keep in mind you feel drunky this deep- and i ended up rolling around on the ocean floor because i was laughing so hard. probably one of the best experiences of my life.

after one more dive that lasted 54 minutes, my personal underwater record, we had to head back to dry land. bummer. that night however we did manage to go out and dance on tables with the other people from the trip. the only downside is that at one point i was deserted by my diving friends and left to dance with rosa and gerda- the german mother daughter team that did not talk to anyone all week but strangely went out and raged with us. the best part- rosa, the non-milf mother- doesnt shave her pits or her legs. wanna puke in your mouth yet? i know i sure do!