ok so thats not actually german but its my version of the language. i have become fluent in like three days, mostly because i know about five words now as opposed to my original 2 and then everything else i make guttural noises and yell like cartman in the south park episode "the passion of the jew." its a classic.
so the last time i had left you i had just arrived in berlin i think and we hadnt done too much yet. wellllll thursday we went sightseeing and did some standard touristy stuff. holocaust memorial, reichstag (german parliament), checkpoint charlie which separated east and west berlin, all that stuff. also on thursday we didnt eat for like... a really really long time. i was surprisingly ok with this, however i still have not had a schnitzel because they scare me a little bit. thursday for dinner, after nearly starving to death walkiing all the F over berlin we decided to make some delicious bratwursts and some other stuff. kates kitchen is down the hall from her room so we went in and started making some delicious eats. we were coming and going from teh kitchen, figuring everything was fine. kate, however, decided to turn up the brats because they were taking far too long to brown up properly. bastards. we return to her room to drink our beer and hang out for a couple minutes. after a rousing conversation of some sort we returned to the hallway to smell smoke and realize that there are clouds of it billowing from the kitchen. AAAHHHHH we run into the kitchen only to find our delicious brats burning!!!! nbd. we can just scrape the burned part off a little bit. kate tries to hold them out the window so that the smoke doesnt come inside anymore. right before i say "hey we can just scrape them off" she makes and executive decision to ditch the brats and tosses them out her window, four stories to the cold, unforgiving ground. FML. bye brats. i cried.
after this a dutchman named kasper convinced us to go out to dinner with him and a couple friends quickly before we were supposed to meet other people at a bar. the couple friends turned out to be like 12 people and we were 2 hour late to the bar. NBD. also i was sitting at one end of the table that was exclusively dutch. they spoke some english because its rude to speak a language that not everyone can understand, but its kinda rough having to speak to your buds all in another language. i get it. i sat there some, not awkwardly mind you, just kinda acting like i was interested. they could have been saying that i am a giant homo with buckteeth and three nipples and i woudnt have been the wiser, i probably would have smiled slightly and looked at my beer some more. i only looked at my beer because at some point in the night i started having mad chest pains, which FREAK ME OUT. i hate that shit. its probably cuz i have mad allergies. damn genetics. i kinda stopped drinking for the night, bummer, but i still had some GTs at the restaurant (where i found another love of my life, a german girl named sarah) and the cuban bar where we discussed the choking game and hypothetical theme park ideas centered around it for roughly an hour. maybe more. good times all around.
we also had some other adventures too- more on that later because kate needs the internet and i cant use my computer here fo free. baaaaahhhh
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
luft balloons
this week i was planning on naming all my posts something german related. unfortunately i only know like 4 german words and all the other ones are like a million syllables long so i am not going to learn those either- for example- dorotheenstadtischer. come again? i even had to leave off some dotty things because quite frankly that is beyond my realm of comprehension and typing ability.
so yesterday when i left you i was in the midst of schipol airport in amsterdam sipping my starbucks and not understanding a word anyone said. then i got on my plane, where i witnessed a very indignant asian girl correct the nice british/czech (who knows?) dude speaking to her that she was not, in fact, japanese, but TAIWANEE!! calm it down sweet cheeks no need to be rude he was just making conversation. after some minor mechanical difficulties we were airborn and the pilot had apparently confused our 150 capacity passenger plane with an F-15 because we were doing all sorts of turns and shit that made me want to puke. then we landed and bounced and went all wonky and i nearly peed myself because i was convinced we were skidding off the runway. have i mentioned im slightly neurotic? anyways. i went through baggage claim, looked for customs, concluded that there was no customs and went on my way to meet kate in the airport.
I FINALLY MADE IT TO BERLIN. first we took a bus for like an hour, then got lunch in a really cool square thing with this old church that had been bombed in WWII and was all torn up. its this really old building right in the middle of a really modern area filled with stores and restaurants, fast food and everything but its just chillin, lookin all old. i think we are going to go into it later but i still had my bags and stuff so we couldnt really. after dropping stuff at kates apt/dorm room we made our way to the school which was an hour or so away and like 3 buses/trains. its all so confusing idk how anyone could ever get around this city because all the words look the same and the places do too. without kate i would probably end up in the red light district, if it exists, and have to whore myself out to make some dollas to get back home. im not against it. so at the school we got beer. yes. beer at school. HOW AWESOME IS THAT! apparently you are even allowed to drink in class. awesome. i hung out and kate did some work and then we came back to her apartment because i nearly passed out on the couches in the student lounge/beer drankin area.
last night was uneventful. we went to the getrankenmarkt or something like that but when you say it it sounds like "get drunk mart" and all they sell is booze so its appropriate. a case of 16 oz beers in glass bottles is 10 euro. its a steal!!! and the beer here is SOOOO good. lovin it. so we got some food, but passed on the drank, before going back and making dinner. well kate made dinner and i tried to keep from falling asleep at 6:30. i finally made it to 8:30 when we turned on something about mary and i fell asleep before the opening credits had finished. oops. oh well i slept for 10.5 hours and now im on berlin time and ready to paahty (i feel like thats how a germany would say it phonetically). time for breakfast and sightseeing and then tonight we are going to some bar that is awesomely amazing i hear. and in closing- HAMMELBRATEN.
so yesterday when i left you i was in the midst of schipol airport in amsterdam sipping my starbucks and not understanding a word anyone said. then i got on my plane, where i witnessed a very indignant asian girl correct the nice british/czech (who knows?) dude speaking to her that she was not, in fact, japanese, but TAIWANEE!! calm it down sweet cheeks no need to be rude he was just making conversation. after some minor mechanical difficulties we were airborn and the pilot had apparently confused our 150 capacity passenger plane with an F-15 because we were doing all sorts of turns and shit that made me want to puke. then we landed and bounced and went all wonky and i nearly peed myself because i was convinced we were skidding off the runway. have i mentioned im slightly neurotic? anyways. i went through baggage claim, looked for customs, concluded that there was no customs and went on my way to meet kate in the airport.
I FINALLY MADE IT TO BERLIN. first we took a bus for like an hour, then got lunch in a really cool square thing with this old church that had been bombed in WWII and was all torn up. its this really old building right in the middle of a really modern area filled with stores and restaurants, fast food and everything but its just chillin, lookin all old. i think we are going to go into it later but i still had my bags and stuff so we couldnt really. after dropping stuff at kates apt/dorm room we made our way to the school which was an hour or so away and like 3 buses/trains. its all so confusing idk how anyone could ever get around this city because all the words look the same and the places do too. without kate i would probably end up in the red light district, if it exists, and have to whore myself out to make some dollas to get back home. im not against it. so at the school we got beer. yes. beer at school. HOW AWESOME IS THAT! apparently you are even allowed to drink in class. awesome. i hung out and kate did some work and then we came back to her apartment because i nearly passed out on the couches in the student lounge/beer drankin area.
last night was uneventful. we went to the getrankenmarkt or something like that but when you say it it sounds like "get drunk mart" and all they sell is booze so its appropriate. a case of 16 oz beers in glass bottles is 10 euro. its a steal!!! and the beer here is SOOOO good. lovin it. so we got some food, but passed on the drank, before going back and making dinner. well kate made dinner and i tried to keep from falling asleep at 6:30. i finally made it to 8:30 when we turned on something about mary and i fell asleep before the opening credits had finished. oops. oh well i slept for 10.5 hours and now im on berlin time and ready to paahty (i feel like thats how a germany would say it phonetically). time for breakfast and sightseeing and then tonight we are going to some bar that is awesomely amazing i hear. and in closing- HAMMELBRATEN.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
blog maken
that is how you say make a blog in dutch. who'd've thunk? i am currently sitting in the amsterdam airport waiting for my final flight to berlin and trapped in a perpetual morning. let me tell you- i am not a morning person. you see, yesterday i woke up at 530 am to go to the spokane airport for a 7 am flight to minneapolis. then i left minneapolis at 3 pm and landed in amsterdam at 545 am. the only problem is that my 545 am's were only 15 hours apart. i missed the whole evening and i love me some evening time. i am like 18 types of confused right now but i am just going to keep telling myself that it is 730 am and go with it, however im still pissed i missed happy hour last night. damn time zones.
the trek so far has been pretty tame. i did see one guy that i thought was really awkward and started composing a little blog passage about him in my head until i realized that he has mild downs and that i am definitely going to be smote for making fun of a mentally handicapped person. FML. oh well. cant win em all i suppose. i also thought that there were a TON of mexicans on my flight ot amsterdam and i was like "geeze why are they going to the netherlands?" then i realized that the mexicans were really indians (dots not feathers) and that my flight had continuing service to mumbai from amsterdam. so thats 2 smites for me all in 1 neverending morning. im pretty sure its the smites you're out. god help me. also i saw a bunch of asians with sars masks on that made me laugh, but i dont call that a smite because i feel like its a highly humorous sight. it wasnt even old people either one guy around my age was lookin like a wankster, but he could have achieved gangster status if he had not been wearing a sars mask. it immediately negates any and all street cred a person may have, hence i laugh in the place of piggy flu and sars HAHAHA. take that suckaaaaaas. other news- the man sitting next to me in the waiting area was in his forties, looked like a normal business man and was playing dungeons and dragons. i was too afraid to check for a wedding ring. poor guy. also in minneapolis i went into a bar to buy a bottle of water and some chick eyefucked the shit out of me and then walked by like five minutes later and did it again HOLLAAA i look good wearing sweats, a hoodie and without shaving for like 3 days. nice little confidence booster before my 3 benedryl induced stupor on the plane.
upon arriving in amsterdam and getting a little lost i managed to find my way to the right terminal and my first mission was food. on the flight we got some strange kind of kung pow chicken for dinner ( i ate the roll and oreos instead) and a egg and cheese sandwich for breakfast (could've used ketchup). i wanted to start this eurotrip off right with something delicious and european. (side note- some chick is giving me the stink eye at this very moment, what a bitch). of course the first thing that i see is starbucks. no, thats american and i dont even like it that much state side. next stop- foodcourt with sbarro, burger king and the dutch version of popeyes i think. only problem closed. dammit. starbucks it is. however i did learn that "drank" means "drink" and i use drank instead of drink all the time. this country and i were made for each other. so now here i am paying far too much to be on the internet and disappointed that hulu and abc.com cannot be streamed outside of the US. how am i supposed to see the ugly betty finale when i cannot stream it fo free? bastards. oh well life could be worse and i am SOOOOO stoked for the next week!!!!!!!!!
the trek so far has been pretty tame. i did see one guy that i thought was really awkward and started composing a little blog passage about him in my head until i realized that he has mild downs and that i am definitely going to be smote for making fun of a mentally handicapped person. FML. oh well. cant win em all i suppose. i also thought that there were a TON of mexicans on my flight ot amsterdam and i was like "geeze why are they going to the netherlands?" then i realized that the mexicans were really indians (dots not feathers) and that my flight had continuing service to mumbai from amsterdam. so thats 2 smites for me all in 1 neverending morning. im pretty sure its the smites you're out. god help me. also i saw a bunch of asians with sars masks on that made me laugh, but i dont call that a smite because i feel like its a highly humorous sight. it wasnt even old people either one guy around my age was lookin like a wankster, but he could have achieved gangster status if he had not been wearing a sars mask. it immediately negates any and all street cred a person may have, hence i laugh in the place of piggy flu and sars HAHAHA. take that suckaaaaaas. other news- the man sitting next to me in the waiting area was in his forties, looked like a normal business man and was playing dungeons and dragons. i was too afraid to check for a wedding ring. poor guy. also in minneapolis i went into a bar to buy a bottle of water and some chick eyefucked the shit out of me and then walked by like five minutes later and did it again HOLLAAA i look good wearing sweats, a hoodie and without shaving for like 3 days. nice little confidence booster before my 3 benedryl induced stupor on the plane.
upon arriving in amsterdam and getting a little lost i managed to find my way to the right terminal and my first mission was food. on the flight we got some strange kind of kung pow chicken for dinner ( i ate the roll and oreos instead) and a egg and cheese sandwich for breakfast (could've used ketchup). i wanted to start this eurotrip off right with something delicious and european. (side note- some chick is giving me the stink eye at this very moment, what a bitch). of course the first thing that i see is starbucks. no, thats american and i dont even like it that much state side. next stop- foodcourt with sbarro, burger king and the dutch version of popeyes i think. only problem closed. dammit. starbucks it is. however i did learn that "drank" means "drink" and i use drank instead of drink all the time. this country and i were made for each other. so now here i am paying far too much to be on the internet and disappointed that hulu and abc.com cannot be streamed outside of the US. how am i supposed to see the ugly betty finale when i cannot stream it fo free? bastards. oh well life could be worse and i am SOOOOO stoked for the next week!!!!!!!!!
Monday, May 25, 2009
the santa fe lean
this weekend camden elizabeth covey graduated from high school, and i nearly off'd myself. we had 15 people sleeping in our house, which meant got kicked to the curb and had to fend for myself on various couches for several nights. not my ideal situation. also we had a graduation party for my lovely little sis. since i have not spent much time in spokane i do not know anyone and generally did not want to have to speak with my parents' friends and say either "oh yeah USC is great" and fake that i loved it more than puppy dogs and rainbows, or say "yeah im just taking some time off..." the second situation inevitably leads to one of two things "oh my gosh thats so awesome/oh to be young again/ tough life (insert annoying, semi drunk middle aged laughter hear)" or a lecture from some douchenozzle who i have known for all of 5 seconds and quite frankly doesnt know me from adam and has no reason to tell me that i am making a mistake and give me advice in all that i do. i really hate the people who try to tell me im making a mistake. idiots. do you not think that its crossed my mind? of course it has. i do not go with the flow well and dropping out of school for a year requires a very high go with the flow-ability. im freakin out man. but im still doin it! i mean my fam and the people who actually know me are all for it which is good. now i just have to grow a pair and figure my shit out (i feel like i say that a lot, no?)
back to the party. to deal with the onslaught of my parents friends i decided that i needed to get slightly buzzed to deal with all of this. just to take the edge off. well that happened and things were going alright. then i went from being buzzed to tanked in like 7 seconds flat. who knew 4 beers, vodka, and a couple bottles of wine did that to someone? i proceeded to eat all that i could possibly get my hands on, play sloppy drunken pool with my 9 year old cousin, and tell my mom and her friend (not an idiot friend, a cool one) that when i get road rage i call people twats and cunts. after a solo dance party in my sisters room in front of some of her friends i decided to call it a night and passed out on a couch in the basement. 6:30 rolls around and i woke up, not because someone called me or made any noise whatsoever, but because it felt like pearl harbor was happening between my temples. good. i stumbled upstairs and got a glass of water, ignored my 82 year old grandfathers cheery "good morning," grabbed a banana, and searched unsuccessfully for tylenol sinus. advil it is. i went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and nearly had a heart attack at the sight. my eyes were bloodshot and puffy, i looked like i had been hit by a train and sortof wished that i had. i at my banana and took my advil and went back to lie down. 10 minutes later i returned to the bathroom to puke my brains out before finally going back to sleep for 3 hours.
breakfast was quiche. not good on a hangover, especially when you have to hide the hangover from several people, namely grandparents and young cousins who want you to run and play with them. not happening. i nearly barfed again when my mom offered me crab quiche. seafood before noon and on a weak stomach? hell to the naw! i stuck with my bacon cheddar quiche, 6 cups of coffee, 4 advil, 2 dayquil sinus breakfast and then had gatorade for dessert (lovin those electrolytes). i felt like hell throughout the rest of the morning, the commencement ceremony and up until dinner when i took more advil and finally felt human again. this feeling was short lived because our waiter at dinner was so GD creepy that i wanted to jump through the large windows by our table into the water hazard below (it was on a golf course). he had buggy eyes, big ole ears (that may or may not have been uneven) and some wonky ass teeth. when he took orders he went right up behind you and leaned over and whispered in your ear "what can i get you tonight sir/ma'am?" uuh you can get me a steak with a side of personal space you jackass now step off! it was a joke. and he never brought our appetizers. the tip was rapidly dwindling, but the food was pretty damn good. the only good thing that came from the whole hangover ordeal was that i got on texts from last night again! mission accomplished!!!
after dinner i played pool with my cousins and talked to my parents and my aunt for a little bit before turning in. instead of going right to sleep, which i wanted to because i was dead tired, i started having a panic attack. i had to get up, walk around the house, check that all the doors were locked, drink water, sit around and twiddle my thumbs, all the while with the sinking suspicion that the world was going to end at any minute. clearly i was super rational. now i am sitting on my bed after all of our various house guests have left, still thinking the world is going to end at any minute, procrastinating packing for germany and the caribbean and freaking out about my life. its productive. i also really have to pee so i suppose i should end my cyberspace tirade and go take care of business, starting with a delicious leftover steak sandwich. next time you hear from me i will be in BERLIN!!!!!! im sooooo stoked. be ready. it will be epic!
back to the party. to deal with the onslaught of my parents friends i decided that i needed to get slightly buzzed to deal with all of this. just to take the edge off. well that happened and things were going alright. then i went from being buzzed to tanked in like 7 seconds flat. who knew 4 beers, vodka, and a couple bottles of wine did that to someone? i proceeded to eat all that i could possibly get my hands on, play sloppy drunken pool with my 9 year old cousin, and tell my mom and her friend (not an idiot friend, a cool one) that when i get road rage i call people twats and cunts. after a solo dance party in my sisters room in front of some of her friends i decided to call it a night and passed out on a couch in the basement. 6:30 rolls around and i woke up, not because someone called me or made any noise whatsoever, but because it felt like pearl harbor was happening between my temples. good. i stumbled upstairs and got a glass of water, ignored my 82 year old grandfathers cheery "good morning," grabbed a banana, and searched unsuccessfully for tylenol sinus. advil it is. i went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and nearly had a heart attack at the sight. my eyes were bloodshot and puffy, i looked like i had been hit by a train and sortof wished that i had. i at my banana and took my advil and went back to lie down. 10 minutes later i returned to the bathroom to puke my brains out before finally going back to sleep for 3 hours.
breakfast was quiche. not good on a hangover, especially when you have to hide the hangover from several people, namely grandparents and young cousins who want you to run and play with them. not happening. i nearly barfed again when my mom offered me crab quiche. seafood before noon and on a weak stomach? hell to the naw! i stuck with my bacon cheddar quiche, 6 cups of coffee, 4 advil, 2 dayquil sinus breakfast and then had gatorade for dessert (lovin those electrolytes). i felt like hell throughout the rest of the morning, the commencement ceremony and up until dinner when i took more advil and finally felt human again. this feeling was short lived because our waiter at dinner was so GD creepy that i wanted to jump through the large windows by our table into the water hazard below (it was on a golf course). he had buggy eyes, big ole ears (that may or may not have been uneven) and some wonky ass teeth. when he took orders he went right up behind you and leaned over and whispered in your ear "what can i get you tonight sir/ma'am?" uuh you can get me a steak with a side of personal space you jackass now step off! it was a joke. and he never brought our appetizers. the tip was rapidly dwindling, but the food was pretty damn good. the only good thing that came from the whole hangover ordeal was that i got on texts from last night again! mission accomplished!!!
after dinner i played pool with my cousins and talked to my parents and my aunt for a little bit before turning in. instead of going right to sleep, which i wanted to because i was dead tired, i started having a panic attack. i had to get up, walk around the house, check that all the doors were locked, drink water, sit around and twiddle my thumbs, all the while with the sinking suspicion that the world was going to end at any minute. clearly i was super rational. now i am sitting on my bed after all of our various house guests have left, still thinking the world is going to end at any minute, procrastinating packing for germany and the caribbean and freaking out about my life. its productive. i also really have to pee so i suppose i should end my cyberspace tirade and go take care of business, starting with a delicious leftover steak sandwich. next time you hear from me i will be in BERLIN!!!!!! im sooooo stoked. be ready. it will be epic!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
babies, bongs and agita
disclaimer: spell checker isnt working, please do not judge me on spelling or grammar errors even though if you make them i will, in fact, judge you.
hello devoted followers and not so devoted followers. i welcome you all. since i have last updated the world on my badass life i have gone on a journey and found myself in a new place. not figuratively or spiritually, but literally. sorry, no self revelations this week. i drove from los angeles to spokane washington. it was a journey of epic proportions that has never been undertaken (undertook?) by any man before. please go take a potty break now because recounting all of my adventures could take a several hours.
friday morning sarah and i awoke to a bright and sunny day in los angeles. step one- get all my shit to fedex or in my car and then pce out. several hundred pounds and $135 of fedex'd boxes later i was ready to leave my humble abode in chez ronnee and make the harrowing journey across town for one last meal in la at Urth cafe. egg sandwich and large coffee. so GD good i could hardly stand it. one minor mishap involving spilled coffee, a table with holes, and my brand new white kicks and we were on our way. my lovely gps system, named gretel, directed me throught the heart of hollywood to the 101. perfect. sarah's number one goal in LA was to see some celebs. no such luck. consolation prize- seein some crazies and there is no better place for that than hollywood. we were not disappointed. we saw a few semi strange fuckers wandering around the streets but the real treat came at the corner of sunset and vine. we stumbled upon a man in shorty shorts out on a run. relatively normal... until homeslice started bustin a move and breakin it down on the street corner. he wasnt just kinda boppin or whatever he was full on running man style and channeling his inner kfed (who did start out as a dancer before he became britney's bitch). people around him pretended to ignore him but you know they were thinking "holy shiza what is this guy doin?" luckily sarah had her camera out and ready and we caught some of our shorty short friend's fly moves. the evidence is still forthcoming.
after this brief, yet amazing spectacle it was northward bound! to santa cruz to see tristan my roommie and stay at his beach house for a night. the drive was boring. there is nothing between LA and santa cruz except almonds and bakersfield and a town in which everything is named "casa de ___" it seemed a little casa de fuckin retarded, but they had clean bathrooms and gas, which we desperately needed so we did indeed stop. the last 45 minutes going into santa cruz on some road were waaay cool. it was like descending into jurassic park. i really wanted sarah to turn into jeff goldblum and explain the chaos theory to me and then nearly get mauled by a t-rex and i mean that in the nicest possible way. its either that sitch or she turns into laura dern and starts rootin around in dino poo. yum. there was even a place called dinosaur point! however we saw the sign too late and didnt deem it important enough to turn around. sorry dinosaur point. maybe next time.
santa cruz was a pretty sweet little town. i mean there were crazy hippies lookin rough on the street and playing bongos and shit and i was diggin it. there were also fucking retarded high schoolers. i hate stupid high schoolers who think they are the shit. we saw a father dropping off some 14 year old girls in front of the movie theater and they were dressed like dirty hos. how can this man live with himself knowing that his daughter is probably out on the town blowing anything that she can wrap her herp infested lips around. ok that was rude. sorry (im not really though). bottom line is step up your parenting or hire someone who can do it for you. kidding about the hiring someone part (not). that night we played rock band and chilled in the guest house of the beach house and then made the trek to the ocean at roughly 12. sadly, no skinny dipping occurred. however sarah and i were both quite pleased that we managed to touch the ocean. mission accomplished.
the next day we went to san francisco with safia and had lunch and wandered around union square and fisherman's wharf. relatively unremarkable. we saw some tourists, some sea lions, a really cool spray paint artist, a fat ugly man with a hot asian (and in my opinion probably mail order) wife, and a mexican woman with some epic fupa belting out some terrible tunes for all to hear. fun times for all. after getting slightly lost in san francisco a la the Homeward Bound sequal, we floored it on up to redding california for sarah's first in n out experience and a lovely evening at the hampton inn. the concept of the menu thats not on the menu at in n out was highly intruiging to sarah. she thought of it as being a part of some sort of club if you are lucky enough to know the menu. i informed her that it really just means you are a fat ass and should lay off the double dobles with extra crispy fries, which are a secret menu item. i proceeded to mentally call myself a fatass for knowing the secret menu and then inhale the rest of my fries to make myself feel better which worked wonderfully and i fully overcame any misgivings i had about sometimes getting a double double, crispy fries, a coke and a grilled cheese on the side. ya gotta eat.
sunday! off to bend oregon and to see my buddy tayler bertelsen. along the way we passed mount shasta, which was epic, and and made a stop in lovely weed california to buy some stupid memerobelia. im currently wearying my "enjoy weed... california" shirt now. there was some sweet scenery between redding and weed and some afterwards too once we got into oregon. our lunch stop was in Klamath Falls, Oregon aka Creepy Shithole, USA. on a sunday afternoon, typically when people go out and about and do shit, there was NO ONE downtown. it was creepily quiet. like half the shops were closed and we saw maybe 10 other living breathing souls in the 1.5 hours that we were there. we went to lunch at this little italian restaurant which left alot to be desired. our waitress was a sassy little number (read: sad sad woman with no hope for her future) with bright blue eyeshadow and a snaggletooth. it was all i could do to resist the urge to ask her to do the lady and the tramp spaghetti thing with me. she also forgot to put in our order and it took really long, which was strange because we were the only people in the restaurant. cool. pce out klamath falls i hope you burn to the ground or become infested by gremlins or both. bastards.
we finally made it to bend at around 5 that night and tayler and her friend ryan were at a house by the river. whose house? still couldnt tell you but i met a bunch of people there. we walk to the backyard and there are like 4 little kids running around, which seemed strange because most of the people were young, 23 or 24 at the oldest. turns out 2 of the girls there had kids, which was cool. im not trying to rag on them or anything like that it was just unexpected. after our journey i really had to pee so eventually i make my way inside the house to be greeted by 2 guys jamming ont he guitar and a bong and a hookah on the floor. oh, by the way, the kids were running around the bong and the hookah. WOW. what is happening. this is another world. i just accepted it and wandered on to find the bathroom, which was located through the bedroom. i walked in and almost took out a curly headed ginger. i say "oh.. uuh hi im just trying to find the bathroom, im charlie by the way." instead of introducing herself she just cut right to the chase, "im really drunk and i might try to make out with you because you're really fuckin hot." well nice to meet you too. i didnt take her up on her offer, it was a ginge after all and i also had to pee like a racehorse and when i emerged my drunk friend had left. it was ok though because her "really fuckin hot" comment was enough to stoke my ego for the time being. i later found out that her name was danielle and sarah had met her too. new friends all around.
after the river we went to a bbq at this girl katie's house. katie was mad cool and alot of the people were too. they were all kinda crunchy hippies, which is not my style and i felt slightly out of my element and the only way to remedy such a situation is to get schockered. the beer started flowing and i started drankin. we shotgunned a few, like big shotgunning groups too. one of them was intiated by this girl named autumn. another girl i met was named tara and she had a feather in one ear and a really long braid. alright, not my style but to each his own, ya know. i even shotgunned with one of the moms from the previous house. she had to pass off her kid while she did it but what a fuckin rockstar for still partying even with a 3 year old. after hours of drinking and i informed tayler that i was really drunk. she didnt think i was but i told her "no no. im just pretending to be sober." go me. so we meandered across town, leaving my car and all of my posessions behind, to go crash at tayler's friends house. the journey was long and arduous. the toughest part was passing pita pit and not being allowed to go in because no one was nearly as excited about it as i was. such a let down i could have done work on a delicious chicken ceasar pita right then. we then had to walk through a park next to the river which was home to plenty of geese. fun fact- geese are catchable. tayler's friend jace informed me of this fun fact and then showed me how its done. the geese hiss at you but they dont ever bite. i spent the next ten minutes enthusiastically chasing geese all over the place to no avail. the only ones i avoided were the ones guarding the babies because i knew that momma bears are mean angry bitches and kinda figured momma gooses are too. bears and geese are very similar creatures, clearly. i finally had to give up and take a feather as a consolation prize. we then crashed on a pullout couch. the next morning i woke up not really knowing what to do. tayler was no where to be found, sarah was feeling similar to how i was feeling, and i had only a vague recolection of where my car was. WINNER. eventually we found all our shit and managed to even have eggs benny for breakfast and then hit the road for spokane.
from bend oregon to spokane washington, there is pretty much nothing. and when i say nothing, i mean nothing. we passed some broke down old towns where the gas pumps had to be operated by the attendants because they were old as fuck and we also passed an A&W/KFC. perfect place for lunch right? wrong! the root beer floats, gold fries and too-greasy food wreaked havoc upon my poor digestive system, and sarah's too. luckily, i travel with pepto bismal and benedryl in my glove box. the pepto may have saved our lives from any number of ailments including, but not limited to, nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach and diarrhea! WOO. thanks pepto!
we made it to spokaloo eventually and had family dinner with my mom, camden and harrison. sarah loved it. she wants camden to have her own reality show and calls her "favorite covey." bitches. the next day gigi came and the party really started. she told us all sorts of tidbits of wisdom like how to play hide and seek with my cat Cappy and that italians say "agita" with lots of emphasis when they are getting stress induced indigestion. good to know. i'll limit my comments on this portion of the trip because im sure sarah will go much more in depth. she loved it.
now i am sitting in my lovely backyard with my dog marge and generally loving life. my adventure are off to a good start. and now, good day.
hello devoted followers and not so devoted followers. i welcome you all. since i have last updated the world on my badass life i have gone on a journey and found myself in a new place. not figuratively or spiritually, but literally. sorry, no self revelations this week. i drove from los angeles to spokane washington. it was a journey of epic proportions that has never been undertaken (undertook?) by any man before. please go take a potty break now because recounting all of my adventures could take a several hours.
friday morning sarah and i awoke to a bright and sunny day in los angeles. step one- get all my shit to fedex or in my car and then pce out. several hundred pounds and $135 of fedex'd boxes later i was ready to leave my humble abode in chez ronnee and make the harrowing journey across town for one last meal in la at Urth cafe. egg sandwich and large coffee. so GD good i could hardly stand it. one minor mishap involving spilled coffee, a table with holes, and my brand new white kicks and we were on our way. my lovely gps system, named gretel, directed me throught the heart of hollywood to the 101. perfect. sarah's number one goal in LA was to see some celebs. no such luck. consolation prize- seein some crazies and there is no better place for that than hollywood. we were not disappointed. we saw a few semi strange fuckers wandering around the streets but the real treat came at the corner of sunset and vine. we stumbled upon a man in shorty shorts out on a run. relatively normal... until homeslice started bustin a move and breakin it down on the street corner. he wasnt just kinda boppin or whatever he was full on running man style and channeling his inner kfed (who did start out as a dancer before he became britney's bitch). people around him pretended to ignore him but you know they were thinking "holy shiza what is this guy doin?" luckily sarah had her camera out and ready and we caught some of our shorty short friend's fly moves. the evidence is still forthcoming.
after this brief, yet amazing spectacle it was northward bound! to santa cruz to see tristan my roommie and stay at his beach house for a night. the drive was boring. there is nothing between LA and santa cruz except almonds and bakersfield and a town in which everything is named "casa de ___" it seemed a little casa de fuckin retarded, but they had clean bathrooms and gas, which we desperately needed so we did indeed stop. the last 45 minutes going into santa cruz on some road were waaay cool. it was like descending into jurassic park. i really wanted sarah to turn into jeff goldblum and explain the chaos theory to me and then nearly get mauled by a t-rex and i mean that in the nicest possible way. its either that sitch or she turns into laura dern and starts rootin around in dino poo. yum. there was even a place called dinosaur point! however we saw the sign too late and didnt deem it important enough to turn around. sorry dinosaur point. maybe next time.
santa cruz was a pretty sweet little town. i mean there were crazy hippies lookin rough on the street and playing bongos and shit and i was diggin it. there were also fucking retarded high schoolers. i hate stupid high schoolers who think they are the shit. we saw a father dropping off some 14 year old girls in front of the movie theater and they were dressed like dirty hos. how can this man live with himself knowing that his daughter is probably out on the town blowing anything that she can wrap her herp infested lips around. ok that was rude. sorry (im not really though). bottom line is step up your parenting or hire someone who can do it for you. kidding about the hiring someone part (not). that night we played rock band and chilled in the guest house of the beach house and then made the trek to the ocean at roughly 12. sadly, no skinny dipping occurred. however sarah and i were both quite pleased that we managed to touch the ocean. mission accomplished.
the next day we went to san francisco with safia and had lunch and wandered around union square and fisherman's wharf. relatively unremarkable. we saw some tourists, some sea lions, a really cool spray paint artist, a fat ugly man with a hot asian (and in my opinion probably mail order) wife, and a mexican woman with some epic fupa belting out some terrible tunes for all to hear. fun times for all. after getting slightly lost in san francisco a la the Homeward Bound sequal, we floored it on up to redding california for sarah's first in n out experience and a lovely evening at the hampton inn. the concept of the menu thats not on the menu at in n out was highly intruiging to sarah. she thought of it as being a part of some sort of club if you are lucky enough to know the menu. i informed her that it really just means you are a fat ass and should lay off the double dobles with extra crispy fries, which are a secret menu item. i proceeded to mentally call myself a fatass for knowing the secret menu and then inhale the rest of my fries to make myself feel better which worked wonderfully and i fully overcame any misgivings i had about sometimes getting a double double, crispy fries, a coke and a grilled cheese on the side. ya gotta eat.
sunday! off to bend oregon and to see my buddy tayler bertelsen. along the way we passed mount shasta, which was epic, and and made a stop in lovely weed california to buy some stupid memerobelia. im currently wearying my "enjoy weed... california" shirt now. there was some sweet scenery between redding and weed and some afterwards too once we got into oregon. our lunch stop was in Klamath Falls, Oregon aka Creepy Shithole, USA. on a sunday afternoon, typically when people go out and about and do shit, there was NO ONE downtown. it was creepily quiet. like half the shops were closed and we saw maybe 10 other living breathing souls in the 1.5 hours that we were there. we went to lunch at this little italian restaurant which left alot to be desired. our waitress was a sassy little number (read: sad sad woman with no hope for her future) with bright blue eyeshadow and a snaggletooth. it was all i could do to resist the urge to ask her to do the lady and the tramp spaghetti thing with me. she also forgot to put in our order and it took really long, which was strange because we were the only people in the restaurant. cool. pce out klamath falls i hope you burn to the ground or become infested by gremlins or both. bastards.
we finally made it to bend at around 5 that night and tayler and her friend ryan were at a house by the river. whose house? still couldnt tell you but i met a bunch of people there. we walk to the backyard and there are like 4 little kids running around, which seemed strange because most of the people were young, 23 or 24 at the oldest. turns out 2 of the girls there had kids, which was cool. im not trying to rag on them or anything like that it was just unexpected. after our journey i really had to pee so eventually i make my way inside the house to be greeted by 2 guys jamming ont he guitar and a bong and a hookah on the floor. oh, by the way, the kids were running around the bong and the hookah. WOW. what is happening. this is another world. i just accepted it and wandered on to find the bathroom, which was located through the bedroom. i walked in and almost took out a curly headed ginger. i say "oh.. uuh hi im just trying to find the bathroom, im charlie by the way." instead of introducing herself she just cut right to the chase, "im really drunk and i might try to make out with you because you're really fuckin hot." well nice to meet you too. i didnt take her up on her offer, it was a ginge after all and i also had to pee like a racehorse and when i emerged my drunk friend had left. it was ok though because her "really fuckin hot" comment was enough to stoke my ego for the time being. i later found out that her name was danielle and sarah had met her too. new friends all around.
after the river we went to a bbq at this girl katie's house. katie was mad cool and alot of the people were too. they were all kinda crunchy hippies, which is not my style and i felt slightly out of my element and the only way to remedy such a situation is to get schockered. the beer started flowing and i started drankin. we shotgunned a few, like big shotgunning groups too. one of them was intiated by this girl named autumn. another girl i met was named tara and she had a feather in one ear and a really long braid. alright, not my style but to each his own, ya know. i even shotgunned with one of the moms from the previous house. she had to pass off her kid while she did it but what a fuckin rockstar for still partying even with a 3 year old. after hours of drinking and i informed tayler that i was really drunk. she didnt think i was but i told her "no no. im just pretending to be sober." go me. so we meandered across town, leaving my car and all of my posessions behind, to go crash at tayler's friends house. the journey was long and arduous. the toughest part was passing pita pit and not being allowed to go in because no one was nearly as excited about it as i was. such a let down i could have done work on a delicious chicken ceasar pita right then. we then had to walk through a park next to the river which was home to plenty of geese. fun fact- geese are catchable. tayler's friend jace informed me of this fun fact and then showed me how its done. the geese hiss at you but they dont ever bite. i spent the next ten minutes enthusiastically chasing geese all over the place to no avail. the only ones i avoided were the ones guarding the babies because i knew that momma bears are mean angry bitches and kinda figured momma gooses are too. bears and geese are very similar creatures, clearly. i finally had to give up and take a feather as a consolation prize. we then crashed on a pullout couch. the next morning i woke up not really knowing what to do. tayler was no where to be found, sarah was feeling similar to how i was feeling, and i had only a vague recolection of where my car was. WINNER. eventually we found all our shit and managed to even have eggs benny for breakfast and then hit the road for spokane.
from bend oregon to spokane washington, there is pretty much nothing. and when i say nothing, i mean nothing. we passed some broke down old towns where the gas pumps had to be operated by the attendants because they were old as fuck and we also passed an A&W/KFC. perfect place for lunch right? wrong! the root beer floats, gold fries and too-greasy food wreaked havoc upon my poor digestive system, and sarah's too. luckily, i travel with pepto bismal and benedryl in my glove box. the pepto may have saved our lives from any number of ailments including, but not limited to, nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach and diarrhea! WOO. thanks pepto!
we made it to spokaloo eventually and had family dinner with my mom, camden and harrison. sarah loved it. she wants camden to have her own reality show and calls her "favorite covey." bitches. the next day gigi came and the party really started. she told us all sorts of tidbits of wisdom like how to play hide and seek with my cat Cappy and that italians say "agita" with lots of emphasis when they are getting stress induced indigestion. good to know. i'll limit my comments on this portion of the trip because im sure sarah will go much more in depth. she loved it.
now i am sitting in my lovely backyard with my dog marge and generally loving life. my adventure are off to a good start. and now, good day.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
donde esta juan? juan is supposed to be coming over to by my desk from me because tomorrow i am moving from LA to.. well that part is still up in the air but i am indeed leaving socal. im sad because its kinda cool, well really cool here but im really excited to be starting my adventures and stuff. recent development- i'm going to germany in 2 weeks!!!!!!! i cannot wait it will be amazing there is a bar where you pay 1 euro for a cup and then its all you can drink and just tip at the end of the night. how awesome is that. i love it. after the overpriced and overcrowded 90 it will be like paradise, but with germans!
ok so juan just came and bought my desk and he is, in short, a vagface. i told him the desk is $50 after i had already loaded it into his car and disassembled it for his bitch ass. he goes- oh i'll give you forty. no its fifty. oh... well then take it out i can get one for forty. fucker. so i grabbed the forty bucks and peaced the fuck out. what a twat waffle. i hate juan.
moving on, this week i completed finals, finished school and, sadly, finished my internship. i will definitely miss them the most out of school and finals. i mean its not much a competition but hey, take what you can get. the people were so cool and it was way fun. maybe i will return one day like voldemort returned. or like jesus. yeah. im definitely more like jesus.
also today i have fulfilled one of my lifelong dreams of making it onto textsfromlastnight.com after a mere 9 unsuccessful submissions. i also submitted another one this morning after learning that i was featured on the website. the jury is still out about whether or not my 10th submission will make the cut. the one that did make it was (323): forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell (310): my version of bright and sunny.i am 323 and my friend fiona is 310. its not actually our real area codes, but as the exchange says- shitshow with a chance of tbell. i did indeed get tanked and instead of tbell i went to chanos, USC's raunchy late night mexican restaurant. i wanted a carne asada burrito no beans but i think i ordered a carnitas burrito no beans and also ate douty's beef nachos. im counting the hours until the food poisoning hits me.
wow.
ok so juan just came and bought my desk and he is, in short, a vagface. i told him the desk is $50 after i had already loaded it into his car and disassembled it for his bitch ass. he goes- oh i'll give you forty. no its fifty. oh... well then take it out i can get one for forty. fucker. so i grabbed the forty bucks and peaced the fuck out. what a twat waffle. i hate juan.
moving on, this week i completed finals, finished school and, sadly, finished my internship. i will definitely miss them the most out of school and finals. i mean its not much a competition but hey, take what you can get. the people were so cool and it was way fun. maybe i will return one day like voldemort returned. or like jesus. yeah. im definitely more like jesus.
also today i have fulfilled one of my lifelong dreams of making it onto textsfromlastnight.com after a mere 9 unsuccessful submissions. i also submitted another one this morning after learning that i was featured on the website. the jury is still out about whether or not my 10th submission will make the cut. the one that did make it was (323): forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell (310): my version of bright and sunny.i am 323 and my friend fiona is 310. its not actually our real area codes, but as the exchange says- shitshow with a chance of tbell. i did indeed get tanked and instead of tbell i went to chanos, USC's raunchy late night mexican restaurant. i wanted a carne asada burrito no beans but i think i ordered a carnitas burrito no beans and also ate douty's beef nachos. im counting the hours until the food poisoning hits me.
up until this point, my blog has been a venue for me to express my views on life in LA and people and pass judgement on things that i really have no authority to pass judgement on. From here on out i will be changing things up a bit.well sortof. the judging will still be a major factor in my rants, but it will also chronicle my year of adventures and mishaps that i am planning to have throuhout the world, starting with my roadtrip from LA to WA with sarah mae jennings. we are leaving tomorrow morning and heading north on what we have dubbed the "rayban roadtrip" or "rsquared." a common side affect of hearing the name of our trip is an exponential drop in respect for sarah and/or myself. thats fine. you are just jealous that you arent rockin raybans from here to sucktown, washingon. after that i am going to germany, then atlanta, then the caribbean for 2 months, then montana, then WHO KNOWS. the world is my oyster. yum yum gimme some. i will keep people updated on here and on facebook about my whereabouts and my various misadventures, as i so prophetically named this blog before i had plans to take a year off. i told you i was jesus- i can tell the future via blog. duh.
this week the maxim hot 100 came out. i looked at all 100 entries and approve of most of them, however i did want to kick the writers in the teeth because of their attempts at stupid humor in the blurbs about the chicks. olivia wilde deserves number one. shes daaaaaaaaaamn fine, however my heart still belongs to number 68.wow.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
we're being hunted
in my as-yet unsuccessful attempts to start studying for finals, i have finally made it to the library. of course the first thing that i did was whip out my big black co...mputer so that i could share the fact that god is smiling down upon me as i live and type. you see, i just did a good deed. i was moseying along the road to go to the coffee bean in the new film school (thanks george lucas, you're a pal for donating it) and i was almost there. i could see the circular logo looming in the distance. as i approached said logo i saw a large older woman in a muumuu approaching me on the sidewalk. she was goin along, possibly talking to herself. either way its irrelevant. as she was walking along the perfectly flat, brand new sidewalk all of a sudden, homegirl goes down. im not talking about like oh she stumbled and just kinda caught herself. she got to first base with the pavement in like .7 seconds- absolutely ate shit and landed on her face. the first thing out of her mouth- "GOD BLESS AMERICA!" uuhhh.....ok. i walked up to her, i didnt rush because i was a little put off by the whole debacle, and 2 people were already there, just kinda awkwardly standing and looking at her and not really helping. i mean i felt the same way. so i say "are you ok" and she didnt really answer. me and this girl tried to help her up and then a professor had to come help too, like i said, she was big. the professor took over from there and took care of the poor, patriotic woman, but i think i contributed enough to merit god smiling down upon me in the face of finals... right?
so thats really what i wanted to share, but also after i got my coffee and was making my way to the library i saw a dude who was a dead ringer for the fat guy in Jurassic park who gets eaten by the vicious little spitting dinosaur. such a great movie.
so thats really what i wanted to share, but also after i got my coffee and was making my way to the library i saw a dude who was a dead ringer for the fat guy in Jurassic park who gets eaten by the vicious little spitting dinosaur. such a great movie.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
check my mypace and i gotta lot of friend requests.. YES!
last night i went to my very last sorority invite at USC. you see yesterday my leave of absence was approved. it was much easier than i originally thought. i told my adviser that i wanted to take some time off and he tried to be my buddy, giving me life advice and told me about his experiences. my thoughts- listen you balding buttface i just want you to sign the paper, i dont need the reach around with it. ten minutes of me nodding and making little to no effort to act like i care about his advice i was out of that office and taking my first steps towards... well who knows where. before i could get too far though it was time for another pi beta phi invite.
this invite is so wittily dubbed my tie, you see it rhymes with pi phi. last year i went to it as well, but last year the girls listed three potential dates and then the guys would get a call and then they would buy 2 matching ties, give one to their mystery date and keep one and then the couple is gloriously reunited at the venue and identifies each other through their ties. this year there was no surprise. the girl just asked a dude and then buys him a tie. mine said "i love jesus." what remained the same however was that the girls were supposed to leave before the guys and meet each other there. the guys werent supposed to leave until 10. fbomb. so what do we do. jack and coke pong at the ZBT house. we originally started at my apartment but the DG invite, also last night, was having a massive pregame on our patio. fuck that shit. we didnt need tons of dudes coming into our apartment and disturbing our three person party. yes there were three of us. thats it. so after playing a superbad drinking game, beer pong and just standing in a circle being all exclusive and shit we moved on to ZBT. throughout this time i also had a love conversation with hollis and sarah via text about how awesome we are (it took a while because we are really fucking awesome).
i made it to the buses at ten only to find out that the girls are not meeting us a the venue, but at the buses. i arrived at the buses and realized i was not nearly drunk enough for my own good. good news? i was on the first row of the first bus and as soon as we got to the venue me and my lovely date farris were the first to get served. i tried to order four shots of vodka and two vodka sodas but the bartender wouldn't let me. what a twat. so two shots and a long island it is. after that the booze kept flowing and i kept getting drunk and drunkerer. then i start texting. actually i was texting throughout the night. ranging from "we should make iut" to me pouting to my boss because someone said "the only reassin i wa successdul at [work] is becaise i am attracitge and straight but not a hard worker. im perturbed." why the fuck would i choose to say i was perturbed. and why the fuck am i texting it and pouting when i know full well i use my face, which i have dubbed the moneymaker (stole it from a movie), to get people on my side. i dont always like to do that because it makes me feel shallow and manipulative but hey, work with what ya got.
moving on. a couple hours later i am wandering around my apartment in a tshirt and boxer briefs trying to find the water cup that i just filled up, mumbling to myself all the while and laughing at my own witty insights. i find myself highly humorous when i am drunk. ok and when im sober but whatever. judge me. i had the forethought to place 2 bananas next to my bed. and i remember thinking that i should drink like six cups of water, but i was really full so that much water wouldnt fit in my stomach. i probably also came up with some new theories on quantum mechanics when i was drunk, just because i am so smart when im under the influence.
after makin it into bed, room spinning, i went to sleep. what do i dream about? me and my mother were staying at the house of the owner of the PR firm that intern for. i have never been to her house. i have no idea where it is even. also, it had a baller pool and kindof resembled a mexican resort (but no open bar, bummer). at this humble abode of my dreams i was doing environmental volunteer work, like planting trees and stuff like that. the kicker? the only digging or anything that i can recall was covering a bed in dirt and then putting some sheets and stuff on it for someone to sleep on. i do whatever i can to improve the earths sustainability, from recycling and being energy conscious to putting some good ole fashioned terra firma on a bed. good. good.
and now i am sitting on my couch, blogging about my experiences, listening to our dbag stoner neighbors freestyle and jam outside while smoking fat doobies in their swim suits. damn cretins. just kidding. its making me laugh. i should probably go and clean up my trash from mcdonalds this morning. i got an egg mcmuffin with hash browns and a large coffe and a bacon egg and cheese biscuit on the side. for a second i thought i wasnt going to make it in time for breakfast because this woman in front of me stood too far behind the person in front of her and people kept cutting and she would just be like "oh i think i just got aced out of line..." and not do anything. just stand there. grow a spine you see-you-next-tuesday. she finally told one girl to go the back and the girl was such a bitch. a cunt. i m not even going to use the euphemism on her because she was that cunting cunty. i would have said something but her bf probably could have beat me up. im a a little school girl bitch when it comes to fighting. my sister could probably kick my ass. oh well. i've come to terms with that, so should you.
this invite is so wittily dubbed my tie, you see it rhymes with pi phi. last year i went to it as well, but last year the girls listed three potential dates and then the guys would get a call and then they would buy 2 matching ties, give one to their mystery date and keep one and then the couple is gloriously reunited at the venue and identifies each other through their ties. this year there was no surprise. the girl just asked a dude and then buys him a tie. mine said "i love jesus." what remained the same however was that the girls were supposed to leave before the guys and meet each other there. the guys werent supposed to leave until 10. fbomb. so what do we do. jack and coke pong at the ZBT house. we originally started at my apartment but the DG invite, also last night, was having a massive pregame on our patio. fuck that shit. we didnt need tons of dudes coming into our apartment and disturbing our three person party. yes there were three of us. thats it. so after playing a superbad drinking game, beer pong and just standing in a circle being all exclusive and shit we moved on to ZBT. throughout this time i also had a love conversation with hollis and sarah via text about how awesome we are (it took a while because we are really fucking awesome).
i made it to the buses at ten only to find out that the girls are not meeting us a the venue, but at the buses. i arrived at the buses and realized i was not nearly drunk enough for my own good. good news? i was on the first row of the first bus and as soon as we got to the venue me and my lovely date farris were the first to get served. i tried to order four shots of vodka and two vodka sodas but the bartender wouldn't let me. what a twat. so two shots and a long island it is. after that the booze kept flowing and i kept getting drunk and drunkerer. then i start texting. actually i was texting throughout the night. ranging from "we should make iut" to me pouting to my boss because someone said "the only reassin i wa successdul at [work] is becaise i am attracitge and straight but not a hard worker. im perturbed." why the fuck would i choose to say i was perturbed. and why the fuck am i texting it and pouting when i know full well i use my face, which i have dubbed the moneymaker (stole it from a movie), to get people on my side. i dont always like to do that because it makes me feel shallow and manipulative but hey, work with what ya got.
moving on. a couple hours later i am wandering around my apartment in a tshirt and boxer briefs trying to find the water cup that i just filled up, mumbling to myself all the while and laughing at my own witty insights. i find myself highly humorous when i am drunk. ok and when im sober but whatever. judge me. i had the forethought to place 2 bananas next to my bed. and i remember thinking that i should drink like six cups of water, but i was really full so that much water wouldnt fit in my stomach. i probably also came up with some new theories on quantum mechanics when i was drunk, just because i am so smart when im under the influence.
after makin it into bed, room spinning, i went to sleep. what do i dream about? me and my mother were staying at the house of the owner of the PR firm that intern for. i have never been to her house. i have no idea where it is even. also, it had a baller pool and kindof resembled a mexican resort (but no open bar, bummer). at this humble abode of my dreams i was doing environmental volunteer work, like planting trees and stuff like that. the kicker? the only digging or anything that i can recall was covering a bed in dirt and then putting some sheets and stuff on it for someone to sleep on. i do whatever i can to improve the earths sustainability, from recycling and being energy conscious to putting some good ole fashioned terra firma on a bed. good. good.
and now i am sitting on my couch, blogging about my experiences, listening to our dbag stoner neighbors freestyle and jam outside while smoking fat doobies in their swim suits. damn cretins. just kidding. its making me laugh. i should probably go and clean up my trash from mcdonalds this morning. i got an egg mcmuffin with hash browns and a large coffe and a bacon egg and cheese biscuit on the side. for a second i thought i wasnt going to make it in time for breakfast because this woman in front of me stood too far behind the person in front of her and people kept cutting and she would just be like "oh i think i just got aced out of line..." and not do anything. just stand there. grow a spine you see-you-next-tuesday. she finally told one girl to go the back and the girl was such a bitch. a cunt. i m not even going to use the euphemism on her because she was that cunting cunty. i would have said something but her bf probably could have beat me up. im a a little school girl bitch when it comes to fighting. my sister could probably kick my ass. oh well. i've come to terms with that, so should you.
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