babies, bongs and agita

disclaimer: spell checker isnt working, please do not judge me on spelling or grammar errors even though if you make them i will, in fact, judge you.

hello devoted followers and not so devoted followers. i welcome you all. since i have last updated the world on my badass life i have gone on a journey and found myself in a new place. not figuratively or spiritually, but literally. sorry, no self revelations this week. i drove from los angeles to spokane washington. it was a journey of epic proportions that has never been undertaken (undertook?) by any man before. please go take a potty break now because recounting all of my adventures could take a several hours.

friday morning sarah and i awoke to a bright and sunny day in los angeles. step one- get all my shit to fedex or in my car and then pce out. several hundred pounds and $135 of fedex'd boxes later i was ready to leave my humble abode in chez ronnee and make the harrowing journey across town for one last meal in la at Urth cafe. egg sandwich and large coffee. so GD good i could hardly stand it. one minor mishap involving spilled coffee, a table with holes, and my brand new white kicks and we were on our way. my lovely gps system, named gretel, directed me throught the heart of hollywood to the 101. perfect. sarah's number one goal in LA was to see some celebs. no such luck. consolation prize- seein some crazies and there is no better place for that than hollywood. we were not disappointed. we saw a few semi strange fuckers wandering around the streets but the real treat came at the corner of sunset and vine. we stumbled upon a man in shorty shorts out on a run. relatively normal... until homeslice started bustin a move and breakin it down on the street corner. he wasnt just kinda boppin or whatever he was full on running man style and channeling his inner kfed (who did start out as a dancer before he became britney's bitch). people around him pretended to ignore him but you know they were thinking "holy shiza what is this guy doin?" luckily sarah had her camera out and ready and we caught some of our shorty short friend's fly moves. the evidence is still forthcoming.

after this brief, yet amazing spectacle it was northward bound! to santa cruz to see tristan my roommie and stay at his beach house for a night. the drive was boring. there is nothing between LA and santa cruz except almonds and bakersfield and a town in which everything is named "casa de ___" it seemed a little casa de fuckin retarded, but they had clean bathrooms and gas, which we desperately needed so we did indeed stop. the last 45 minutes going into santa cruz on some road were waaay cool. it was like descending into jurassic park. i really wanted sarah to turn into jeff goldblum and explain the chaos theory to me and then nearly get mauled by a t-rex and i mean that in the nicest possible way. its either that sitch or she turns into laura dern and starts rootin around in dino poo. yum. there was even a place called dinosaur point! however we saw the sign too late and didnt deem it important enough to turn around. sorry dinosaur point. maybe next time.

santa cruz was a pretty sweet little town. i mean there were crazy hippies lookin rough on the street and playing bongos and shit and i was diggin it. there were also fucking retarded high schoolers. i hate stupid high schoolers who think they are the shit. we saw a father dropping off some 14 year old girls in front of the movie theater and they were dressed like dirty hos. how can this man live with himself knowing that his daughter is probably out on the town blowing anything that she can wrap her herp infested lips around. ok that was rude. sorry (im not really though). bottom line is step up your parenting or hire someone who can do it for you. kidding about the hiring someone part (not). that night we played rock band and chilled in the guest house of the beach house and then made the trek to the ocean at roughly 12. sadly, no skinny dipping occurred. however sarah and i were both quite pleased that we managed to touch the ocean. mission accomplished.

the next day we went to san francisco with safia and had lunch and wandered around union square and fisherman's wharf. relatively unremarkable. we saw some tourists, some sea lions, a really cool spray paint artist, a fat ugly man with a hot asian (and in my opinion probably mail order) wife, and a mexican woman with some epic fupa belting out some terrible tunes for all to hear. fun times for all. after getting slightly lost in san francisco a la the Homeward Bound sequal, we floored it on up to redding california for sarah's first in n out experience and a lovely evening at the hampton inn. the concept of the menu thats not on the menu at in n out was highly intruiging to sarah. she thought of it as being a part of some sort of club if you are lucky enough to know the menu. i informed her that it really just means you are a fat ass and should lay off the double dobles with extra crispy fries, which are a secret menu item. i proceeded to mentally call myself a fatass for knowing the secret menu and then inhale the rest of my fries to make myself feel better which worked wonderfully and i fully overcame any misgivings i had about sometimes getting a double double, crispy fries, a coke and a grilled cheese on the side. ya gotta eat.

sunday! off to bend oregon and to see my buddy tayler bertelsen. along the way we passed mount shasta, which was epic, and and made a stop in lovely weed california to buy some stupid memerobelia. im currently wearying my "enjoy weed... california" shirt now. there was some sweet scenery between redding and weed and some afterwards too once we got into oregon. our lunch stop was in Klamath Falls, Oregon aka Creepy Shithole, USA. on a sunday afternoon, typically when people go out and about and do shit, there was NO ONE downtown. it was creepily quiet. like half the shops were closed and we saw maybe 10 other living breathing souls in the 1.5 hours that we were there. we went to lunch at this little italian restaurant which left alot to be desired. our waitress was a sassy little number (read: sad sad woman with no hope for her future) with bright blue eyeshadow and a snaggletooth. it was all i could do to resist the urge to ask her to do the lady and the tramp spaghetti thing with me. she also forgot to put in our order and it took really long, which was strange because we were the only people in the restaurant. cool. pce out klamath falls i hope you burn to the ground or become infested by gremlins or both. bastards.

we finally made it to bend at around 5 that night and tayler and her friend ryan were at a house by the river. whose house? still couldnt tell you but i met a bunch of people there. we walk to the backyard and there are like 4 little kids running around, which seemed strange because most of the people were young, 23 or 24 at the oldest. turns out 2 of the girls there had kids, which was cool. im not trying to rag on them or anything like that it was just unexpected. after our journey i really had to pee so eventually i make my way inside the house to be greeted by 2 guys jamming ont he guitar and a bong and a hookah on the floor. oh, by the way, the kids were running around the bong and the hookah. WOW. what is happening. this is another world. i just accepted it and wandered on to find the bathroom, which was located through the bedroom. i walked in and almost took out a curly headed ginger. i say "oh.. uuh hi im just trying to find the bathroom, im charlie by the way." instead of introducing herself she just cut right to the chase, "im really drunk and i might try to make out with you because you're really fuckin hot." well nice to meet you too. i didnt take her up on her offer, it was a ginge after all and i also had to pee like a racehorse and when i emerged my drunk friend had left. it was ok though because her "really fuckin hot" comment was enough to stoke my ego for the time being. i later found out that her name was danielle and sarah had met her too. new friends all around.

after the river we went to a bbq at this girl katie's house. katie was mad cool and alot of the people were too. they were all kinda crunchy hippies, which is not my style and i felt slightly out of my element and the only way to remedy such a situation is to get schockered. the beer started flowing and i started drankin. we shotgunned a few, like big shotgunning groups too. one of them was intiated by this girl named autumn. another girl i met was named tara and she had a feather in one ear and a really long braid. alright, not my style but to each his own, ya know. i even shotgunned with one of the moms from the previous house. she had to pass off her kid while she did it but what a fuckin rockstar for still partying even with a 3 year old. after hours of drinking and i informed tayler that i was really drunk. she didnt think i was but i told her "no no. im just pretending to be sober." go me. so we meandered across town, leaving my car and all of my posessions behind, to go crash at tayler's friends house. the journey was long and arduous. the toughest part was passing pita pit and not being allowed to go in because no one was nearly as excited about it as i was. such a let down i could have done work on a delicious chicken ceasar pita right then. we then had to walk through a park next to the river which was home to plenty of geese. fun fact- geese are catchable. tayler's friend jace informed me of this fun fact and then showed me how its done. the geese hiss at you but they dont ever bite. i spent the next ten minutes enthusiastically chasing geese all over the place to no avail. the only ones i avoided were the ones guarding the babies because i knew that momma bears are mean angry bitches and kinda figured momma gooses are too. bears and geese are very similar creatures, clearly. i finally had to give up and take a feather as a consolation prize. we then crashed on a pullout couch. the next morning i woke up not really knowing what to do. tayler was no where to be found, sarah was feeling similar to how i was feeling, and i had only a vague recolection of where my car was. WINNER. eventually we found all our shit and managed to even have eggs benny for breakfast and then hit the road for spokane.

from bend oregon to spokane washington, there is pretty much nothing. and when i say nothing, i mean nothing. we passed some broke down old towns where the gas pumps had to be operated by the attendants because they were old as fuck and we also passed an A&W/KFC. perfect place for lunch right? wrong! the root beer floats, gold fries and too-greasy food wreaked havoc upon my poor digestive system, and sarah's too. luckily, i travel with pepto bismal and benedryl in my glove box. the pepto may have saved our lives from any number of ailments including, but not limited to, nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach and diarrhea! WOO. thanks pepto!

we made it to spokaloo eventually and had family dinner with my mom, camden and harrison. sarah loved it. she wants camden to have her own reality show and calls her "favorite covey." bitches. the next day gigi came and the party really started. she told us all sorts of tidbits of wisdom like how to play hide and seek with my cat Cappy and that italians say "agita" with lots of emphasis when they are getting stress induced indigestion. good to know. i'll limit my comments on this portion of the trip because im sure sarah will go much more in depth. she loved it.

now i am sitting in my lovely backyard with my dog marge and generally loving life. my adventure are off to a good start. and now, good day.